Fear the pretty...

so after a million years, i've finally put myself together and made myself post again. sorry for being late. also, here it's the friend meme kinda thing i came up with. kinda lame, but i'm still learning, ne, so bear with me. from now on, this'll be my friends post thingy, so please comment if you want me to add you back! (you'll have to answer the next meme to be added back, though) <b>What name would you like to be called?</b> <br /><b>More than one lj? If so, mention the other one here:</b><br /><b>Age:</b> <br /><b>Where do you live?</b> <br /><b>Work or <s>play</s> study (if so, what are you studying)?</b><br /><b>Interesting / Weird Fact about yourself:</b> <br /><b>Current Fetish:</b> <br /><b>The best time of the year:</b> <br /><b>Favourite place to spend time:</b><br /><b>Rock or Pop?</b><br /><br /><b>FANDOM WISE</b><br /><br /><b>How long have you been in the fandom?</b> <br /><b>Favourite JE band:</b> <br /><b>Favourite JE boy:</b><br /><b>Favourite Pairing:</b> <br /><b>Favourite Fanfic:</b> <br /><b>Favourite JE Fanfic author:</b> <br /><b>Favourite JE song:</b> <br /><b>Favourite lyric:</b> <br /><br /><b>RECOMMEND</b> <br /><br /><b>A film:</b> <br /><b>A book:</b> <br /><b>A band, a song, or album:</b> <br /><br /><b> EXTRAS </b> <br /><br /><b>Something you want me to know about yourself?</b><br /><b>Something you want to know about me?</b><br />

EDITZ: looks like not everyone like to share info on comments, so from now on, comments are screened.

i feel quite angsty. even so, i've been thinking about your birthday all day long and although i'm quite sure you've already partied and enjoyed it quite a lot and did lotsa  things and even if you don't know i exist i stil want to say, happy birthday akanishi jin.

someday i'll be able to make shiny and amajing posts celebating your birthday, so until then, i hope you continue singing and dancing and being you. that's all that matters. so, don't you ever change, we all love yout the way you are

hope you reach a hundred.

so, first go here and first listen to the song in the post and then read my comments about it (they're the first ones, so there's no way to get lost) and then, if you're interested, please help me write that fic because it's amazing but i can't do it on my own and i hate not being able to ever finish something and i really want it and please, please, please

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since i was little, i've always admired Michael Jackson, his music is something i really enjoy, so to get to know that he's dead... for a moment when i saw the news on tv, i think everything stopped. it was minuscule, but as i stood there paralized, my arm suspended in the air with the snack i intended to eat and that notice still playing. god.

i've never really been a fan until i met JE, even so, as i was growing up, listening to Michael Jackson's music, i think that was the most fannish behaviour i had at the time. and now that he's gone when he was preparing a farewell tour.... it makes me feel cheated. it's not like i was going to the concert or anything, but just the knowlegde that he was still alive even if there would be no new releases of his music, it was like a comfort i didn't think i needed until the news on his death were on tv.

the more i think about it, the worst i feel. Michael Jackson dead. i still can't believe it

a-and then i began thinking, what if it was kame? or jin? and god, now i feel like the worst and it's horrible and my fingers are kinda trembling and i think i want to cry and... i'm not making much sense. it's just, he's dead. and it shouldn't bother me but the thing that bothers me the most is that it does and it's horrible and god, he's dead. Michael Jackson's dead and that's all that's swirling in my mind now and i can't believe. i don't want to believe it.

i want to go look for all his discography now and download and have a pity party listening to his voice. i know what he did with all those kids, but he is the King of Pop and even if his private life was an abhorrence, his life in the entertaintment industry is glorious.

pardon for the incoherency. i think what i want to say is:

--- or maybe just plain lost.

oh, what have i been doing? apart from being my lazy self, i've finally managed to do a friends cut, because i couldn't keep up with my flist, even if i only stalked journals. and there were lots of fandoms i wasn't so into anymore, mostly anime. i still watch anime from time to time, though, but i'm more into drama these days.

so, obligatory speech: if you want me to add you back, please reply to this post and let's see if we can become friends... or you can defriend me as well, no hard feelings, ne... at least, i hope so. so far, only Cookie has replied (thanks Cookie! =Dy), soon, i'll answer back to you, just let me get my bearings.

i'm kinda learning html. mostly, i just tweak pre-made codes. so far, i've managed to do this with my profile. as you may have noticed, it's not finished yet. soon, i'll make time to finish it. and give credits. i promise.

yesterday, i went to the international book fair in Leon. sad to say, there weren't many international books. there weren't even books in other languages. i bought one terry pratchett book... that was part of the discworld series and the translation sucks something major. so went to get the english versions online. maybe it's bad, since i don't promote the author and don't pay for them , but it's really difficult to find books where i live and most of the time the translations are shit and books in english around here? keep dreaming.

i'm still miffed about not finding any books on buffy.   DDDDD:

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in other news Music meme! because i was curious. and i've been wanting to do this since three weeks ago when this appeared on my flist.

1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that’s playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don’t lie and try to pretend you’re cool!


Opening Credits - kotoba wo nakushita boku to sora wo miageru kimi by wyse
it really is difficult to find something about this band, so i decided to upload the song if anyone's interested. i don't know what the song or lyrics and not even the title say, but i recommend this band with all my heart.

Waking Up - Kame - #2 Seishun Amigo Utawara Perf
i think it'd make me happy to wake up with the voice of kame, so  *_*.

First Day At School - Get it on by Kinki Kids
first of all, just what kind of school do you think i went to, uh? after that lol

Falling In Love -  tsugou no ii moral by wyse

Fight Song - Gomen Ne Juliet by YamaPi
i'm not really sure what to think of this one. am i giving up without fighting?it somehow makes me sad to know how the end to a love comes and you just can't stop it.

Breaking Up - orange by Kinki Kids
couldn't find a vid, nor a translation D:, will it suffice to say that songs like this are what've made fall in love with kinki kids?

Prom - Human by Human League
... i've never really paid attention to thelyrics odf this song, since i quite the singers voices and the rymth of the melody. years later i actually notice this song tlks about cheating and please forgive because i'm human of flesh and blood? wait, what does that say of the kind of prom i could have had? if, you know, they were a custom in my country.

Life - Bette Davis Eyes by Kim Carnes
... life is to being an easy laid and a wonderful one at that? really, just what kind of life awaits me? o.O?

Mental Breakdown - MESSAGE FOR YOU by KAT-TUN
... still not making much sense, now not only my life resembles an easy girl with bette davis eyes, but i'm also heartbroken and it is my own fault  D:

Driving - Unbelievable by EMF
i'm kind of tempted to send this song to esther. because except from the become one part, is all about her.
in other news, i imagine driving a convertible on the highway with the volume to the max, hair billowing and sunglasses....

Flashback - Taiyou no Namida by NEWS
regrets anyone?

Getting Back Together - Hold On by Wilsom Philips
well, this is hopeful. ar least.

Wedding - MOLA by YamaPi
just what kind of wdeeing would that be? o.O?

Birth of Child - STEP you by Hamasaki Ayumi
this vid is neat. really cool. though i cannot find any relation with the birth of a child. wich is cool, since i don't plan of having kids.

Final Battle - Living In A Box by Living in a box
freedom! or something like it. maybe i'll win! =D

Death Scene - Speed by wyse

Funeral Song - am0:00 no keiteki no naka de by wyse

Remembrance Song - Jounetsu by Kinki Kids
Whenever you feel like cry
I’ll come and hold you right away
yep, this songs brings memories, all right

End Credits - Yakusoku by Kinki Kids
 farewell is always so sad, ne T_T


We built up love
Shared a promise
In a place ours alone
that no one else could step into
However you grew pretty
In a place without me
Again today I close my eyes
Pretend I don't notice
. . . because it hurts

	there were once two girls. they were twins and were beautiful.
	they loved each other so very, very much. so much that i thought i could never fit with them
	they had everything they would ever need in each other and the world was theirs to charm. i'm sure they've accomplished already, wherever they are

to crystal: for always having been my surge of strength, for always picking me up as i fell, for not caring about what people would say when you hugged me and i hugged you back, for being there for me, for understanding me, for a lot of things i have no head to think about right now... thank you. you know, i think i forewent friendship by love when i had both, thinking the only thing i'd ever need to keep going was to be by his side. having neither love nor friendship now has made me realize that the reason why i could treasure love was because you were there too. more than my friend or my sister or my heart, you are the treasure i wish i could have once again. wherever you are, please guide me along to find it

to jen, jenny, jennipher:     for always listening, for always indulging me when not even nee-san did it, for scolding me, for letting me cry, for letting me fall and wallow in misery when i needed it, for letting me hug you and for hugging me (and i must say that your hugs are the bestest of the best there are in the whole universe) and crying with me, for saying i was interesting and thinking of me as your precious little girl... i love you. i'm aware i never said it enough, i was a brat. still am. i remember your smile, your laugh, your elegance, your tears, your inner strenght, your scarinnes, your love for you husband and son, your faith and your fortitude. i can't say enough i love you's to make up for all the times i never did it before, though i know you knew. i hope we fin each other again. i promise the first thing i'll say it's how much i love you. here's a minute sign of it ♥ i hope wherever you are, it may reach you

so, you know this made think a lot about how bad a lj friend i tend to be and i was kind of wondering if people really read what i write here.

so..... um, i kinda want to change that. i probably friended you all, and i'm sorry, because i terribly lose track of people and things and, well, life in general is an excuse, though it shouldn't be and---- THE POINT IS, i want to try and know about those who read my lj. i know i friended you and maybe lots of people are gonna get mad for this, but i really don't remember the exact reason, though i know it is because of fandom.

as i answered strascina , i suck at remembering people i tend to forget the people i ask to friend me so when they finally do, i don't know why they are friending me. most of the time. so, um, yeah, if whoever reads this wants to defriend me... i most probably wont notice, buuuuuuut, i want to notice. from now on, i mean.

sorry for the babble, i'm totally out of it.

so, if you read this, and it didn't make you hate me or defriend me, can we get to know each other? this is terribly impolite since i'm the one supposed to be interested in you all, but if you still want to give me the chance, leave a little something in hereabout yourself, what you like, who you are or something and i'll try and pay more attention to your post! this way, i get to know you and you get horribly typed comments.

it's not much what i can offer, but at least we'll become friends. or something.

so, uh, yeah, comment away! if, you know, you hadn't removed me from your flist by now   u.u'

ok, so maybe not.

looks like the hate meme has already left lots of casualties. mostly in the wake of butthurt people with adolescent  and hypocritical whims. i'm kinda wondering if i'm too old to being in fandom, though i know there must be people older than 23.

i just finished reading this and some days ago i read on trivialaffair 's lj how people were actually insulted about her getting lots of comments in her fics. i mean, what?   o.O?

getting back to gothicauthor 's rant, news fandom and kat-tun fandom seem to be in the verge of declaring war. i'ts kind of sad since i really like news and i really love kat-tun. i don't understand the point in getting riled up for fic. i mean, it's fiction, it's not true and fic should be enjoyed and funny and crack and a way to pass time, not something to throw out there to insult other people.

there's something i simpathyse with kat-tun fans, though. news fans have been depicting kat-tun as a divided and full of hatred group. peole tend to stereotype people, but if you do, then there's no point in getting mad when someone else does it to you. that only makes you a hypocrite. also, what's the point of fighting over japanese boys bands? it's not like they're yours to begin with.

authors characterize the boys as they see fit, that's why they are the authors. everyone has a different opinion about how one of the boys is going to react to a certain situation and they're entitled to it, that's why no one has the right to badmouth other peoples opinions or works. and, really, only yamapi would know how yamapi acts, the same way only kame would know how kame would act.

kat-tun fandom has been very mature about this, since they've been reading a lot of fic saying kat-tun are mean and hate each other only because they don't fondle each other on stage (and that's debatable, i mean, kame has a tendency to be all touchy-feely whenever).

as a fan of both groups, koneho's fic appeared to me as something of good taste (the only thing that was omited was how shige's mom seemed to be the connection between all news mothers, but it seems she's not a news fan). other than that, it was enjoyable, subtle, non-agresive, and most of all, it was funny. it was a very light, very subtle satire. nothing to be offended over. which is something i cannot say about some news authors fics portraying kat-tun.

i don't understand this petty rivalry, or how to try and embellish one group over the other you wank the boys. both groups have certain aspects that make them likeable to certain people. i mean, if people like jin can be all bff-y with pi and ryo, or how maru is totally fond of massu, why can't the fans get along peacefully?

please, do grow up

so many things have happened into fandom this month, i knew there was a reason why i loved fandomapril (and no, it's not only because it's yamapi's birthday)

anyway fisrt of all, it was yamapi's birthday! yay!

second, it was domoto tsuyoshi's birthday! another yay! and as a present for us fans to himself, decided to release a single and an album which names i don't remember anymore XP. so, my opinions on it: I LOVE THEM.

it reminds me of his first works going solo, like waver and machi, and i can't believe I LIKED EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THE SONG ON BOTH THE SINGLE AND THE ALBUM. the songs are soothing and have beautiful guitar solos, the melodies are really really enjoyable, so if you have the chance listen to them. it makes me want to download his ENDLICHERI☆ENDLICHERI but i'm still kind of avoiding them because the guitar and sounds on those makes me think of carlos santana and i kinda don't enjoy them very much.

third: kanjani8 has new album! let me tell you that puzzle it's totally wonderful, god i love love love love 'half down', it's such a beautiful song, i want to cuddle it. though i'm still wondering if there are any rips of 'glorious', because klasjdklasjdasd lovely lovely lovely PV, i wanted to cuddle ryo so hard! i didn't like 'you can see' very much, nor the song nor the video, and even when i did like 'kicyu' the song, the pv fraked me out a little.

fourth: KATTUN HAS NEW ALBUM, OMG, BREAK THE RECORDS IT'S SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO FANFUCKINGTASTIC, I WANT TO MARRY IT I LOVE ALL THE SONGS, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. AND AND AND AND AND AND KAME'S SOLO AKJSDHOASDIHASOID SUCH A SEXY SONG I LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT    *_*

kame's song it's  utterly enchanting, from the moment you hear the fire licking and the lasers powering up, and his voice so husky and pure sex, god. and then 'care', 'care' is the perfect song, i think is one of the main reasons i've become a jin!fan. i haven't had the time to find translations on everyone of them, but :: lovesick sighs:: i do hope to keep enjoying their songs, like for real.

drama related, SMILE, SMILE is such an appealing drama, though i'm not sure it'll make really happy to watch, but i can't help myself    T_T

maki's drama, i just dl and haven't had the time  to watch, rl is so hard sometimes. the same with ep 6 and 7 of kami no oshizuku, i'm wondering if i should wait till the drama is completely subbed to watch all in one go some weekend. and and and we also have ueda's debut Konkatsu, i want it subbed now! but alas, i have to wait patiently, so i'll wait.

manga related, click, god has anybody read it, it's such a emotional draining story, and the ending, god, the ending, i think i cried with that one. and as if i hadn't had enough i decided it was ok to begin skip beat! (currently on vol. 17), tough there's more comedy in this one.

::pondering::

mmm. i may edit this one later to add links and sparkly text later, so bye bye!

found this in the morning and can't get over it. kattun, all of you are awesome.

i kinda want to research Oda Nobunaga if only to know why Kame is so fond of him. i'm also thinking about adding some icons. like one of kame and one of jin, because askdjaklsdj, there are so many wonderful icons out there only that i'm too lazy to peruse the net for them XD

i've had a headache for a while now and i feel real tired. but have difficulty to sleep.

i also have nothing to write that i actually want t write. may try to update. maybe.

so, akanishi jin.

the first time i saw him was in gokusen. well, not really. after my discovery of kame being in a boy band, i googled kattun and found a link to a youtube video of jin in shounen club singing and dancing "It can't be". i remember LOL-ing so hard. i kept wondering how the girls in the audience found him hot, cause he was so thin, his hips swivels looked so hard and forceful and bruising and kind of vulgar (furthermore proved in the ha-ha video), the dance had nothing to do with the song. i mean, if he was singing about denial of a loved one leaving him for someone else and asking for another chance or something, why was he dancing like a... dunno... slut? his voice, though,  was something i really liked, so i wanted kattun to debut. but as i din't find anything conclusive on that end and as i didn't want to discover later on that they never would, i thought of quitting before investing time and kattun got left behind in my memory bank till 2007 or someting like that, when i began delving more and more inside jdrama.

[i want to make a big parentesis here trying to explain myself. i must say that at this point of my life i was pretty asexual. or naive. i dunno, i think i was more into romance and long lasting relastionships than frugal desires and lust... .or something... i was a pretty weird kid.. i mean a 17 year old not driven by hormones? pretty weird]

so yeah. the first time i watched jin was on gokusen 2. and i wanted more.

hayato. how can i explain hayato. he was rogish, kind of a baka and cute. he was the complete opposite of any man i've ever encountered. he reminded me of seiya. i think the whole reason i love yabuki hayato is because he reminds me a lot of seiya.  plainly said, hayato is a brat. he loses his temper easily and if something doesn't go his way he throws a tantrum and sulks. only that his sulking sessions translate into avoidance and denial and a lot of misplaced anger.

the second time i saw him was in anego. where i saw him cry. i pretty much loved this drama for that sole reason. and shinohara ryoko is a total spaz, so the two of them together? sparkles. even so, kurosawa akihiko is not the sensible, wonderful dream of every woman. i mean, akihiko was pretty shallow (though with the sempai that 'teaches' him the way into the company, i'm not really surprised). he's a playboy, first and foremost. he wants to get some fun since he is young and thinks an affair with an older (and kinda desperate and single) woman is the best way to enjoy it. of course he never really thought of falling in love with anego, but somehow he pushes his feelings on her because his girlfriend broke up with him over the phone. also, the whole marriage proposal? how much of that proposition is because of what he feels and how much is not wanting to go to another country alone? this drama is kind of inconlusive even with the special, because we see anego once again in the whole "i like him but he's so young" dilemma and akihiko going after her like a lost puppy. but most of all, he looked really tired.

the third time was chrishtmas nante dai kirai. where he was a down to earth boy. i don't remember his character name cos i haven't seen this one in years (i'm still looking for HQ subbed vids), but he was my favorite in here. in so far, i think this has been his best work. he felt real, his acting was really truthful and idk how to explain it. i've never really been able to explain akanishi jin. this character was, by far the most mature acting i've seen him in. he was calm and patient, a surge of strength and at the same time a sensible presence to fukada kyoko. he was like, the only thing that anchored to reality.... well, as i remember it, he was like the best person to ever fall in love with.

all his hard work became a thing of the past when he was cast into yukan club. he looked pretty much like an airhead and a spaz, his supposedly high IQ and tinkering with technology not withstanding. i didn't like this drama very much, you see. not even the name of his character.

to me, akanishi jin is desire. this is gonna sound terribly shallow, but he represents lust (yeah, i know, i'm a hypocrite after saying that when i was younger he made me laugh instead of turning me on). i'm not exactly sure how that happened, but somehow he woke inside of me this passion, this raw desire for another human being. his gaze on stage is smoldering, his body is alluring and powerful. he has made a complete whole other persona of himself when singing and performing and you just can watch and be pulled for the ride. for me, this was a breaking point, so to say. i tended to idealize feelings and then i discovered the needs part and it pretty much threw me off.

in the other hand, he does a complete one-eighty in front of a camera. mostly, he's this awkard person, he stutters and trips all over himself and that makes him endearing. now, i've heard the "he's a complete jerk in real life", but i wonder how much of that is his real self and how much is a sefl-defense mechanism to not be swallowed by fame (though i'm sure he's got a lot of rewards from being famous. i mean, he's young, he's handsome, he's rich. lots of pretty girls would give anything for a night with him. hell i would give anything for a night with him and i'm not pretty)

and then he's moody and tight lipped and indifferent and pretty much a blank face. you can almost see the cracks in his persona and it makes you wonder what happened to that boy with the big smile, it makes you wonder if he really wants to be where he is.

and then i see him taking care of babies and god, his expression, the aura of paternality he gives off that makes me want to give him the babies he so craves for (only that, you know, i'm pretty sure he'd never look at me once)

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so, that's pretty much it. i'm sure i forgot a lot of things and that this is scattered all over the place, but, well, i never said it made much sense. and how come i couldn't fit in the hate part on this post?

so i even got an new akame icon in sepia.

so, first of all. kamenashi kazuya. the first time i saw him was in sapuri back when i got to know there was this little thing called jdrama. i somehow liked it, you see. the prospect not to invest a million years to get that character a got character b through cheesy and cliché trials and tribulations that i was sick of was attractive. and it was comedy.

in my country, drama was angsty, oh, it will rip my heart out not to fuck you have you!  T.T, my mother is dying of cancer and you love me, but are still going to get revenge because my father killed yours or whatever the plot goes on, anyway. the only comedy i got to watch was american, so i grew up choosing USA tv over the national product (which, ironically, passed with flying colors -or incredible ratings, whatever- at countries like greek, brasil, slovenia and i don't know how many other countries that i do not really care about or not even knew existed).

the point is, to me, jdrama was a lot like fusing and compressing mexican melodrama with american tv shows: crappy special effects, lots of clichés, comedy, character a braving unending trials and tribulations to get character b and live happily ever after or whatever, all in a shiny package of 9 (if the japanese thought it to be crappy) to 12 (if i get lucky) and sometimes even a handsome special or movie (also, i got guei je boys and sometimes even decent and unbelivably cute actresses that made me either love them or despise them).

a lot of people are not going to like the comparison though (once or if they read it) but it works for me, so there.

anyway, sapuri was the first time i got to watch kamenashi kazuya in action. he was everything a male in my country would (and have) call "joto" or "marica" or "puto" (this are derogatory terms, but the gist of it is homosexual), but whatever. the point is, he was cool. new. shiny. had long hair and pierced ears and he was like a puppy and i loved him. he was sensitive and i can't stop myself from saying cute. he was also awkward and had no confidence in himself, but he felt true and sincere. i discovered he sang in a band called kattun, but lost interest pretty quickly when i found out they hadn't debuted (and it was probable they never would) and the rips of his songs had girls screaming their lungs out like screeching cats (at this point in time, i pretty much avoided fangirls like the plague. creeped me out with their fan babble about how someone they would never meet was the love of their lives. who knew i'd fall into the pit and enlist as a minion later on).

at this point, japanese people were kind of general to me, they all looked alike. and then, i came upon nobuta wo produce. i remember not wanting to buy it because the cover was un-impressing, but when the guy who sold me the dvd's couldn't get his hands over anything else drama related, i bought it for lack of anything better to watch.

boy was i in for a surprise.

shuuji is my preferred character of kame's. he's jaded and calculating and cool and so, so, so utterly human i couldn't help myself but love him. he was gorgeous and imperfect and  full of thoughts and insecurities he couldn't confide in anybody no matter how close that person was. he was lonely and afraid and i loved him. i loved him so much. i wanted so much for someone to save him. and ey, here comes akira and nobuta and didn't they make the perfect couple? i also wanted him to get somewhere with mariko, but no one else thinks that. shuuji is special to me in a way i don't understand, because it hurt everytime something happened to him, i didn't know how to break myself away from it. he broke me and healed me and made smile and cry with a look, a simple mannerism. i thought i was going crazy. i thought i was falling in love.

the third drama i watched him in was gokusen 2, which i saw before i finished gokusen 1. odagiri ryu was pretty much the embodiment of a hurt street cat who couldn't get himself to trust humans again. it was a repetitive plot that got old fast, but i still loved every minute of it and re-watched like three times. it also has jin in it, which pretty much hooked me up.

the fourth drama i watched was tatta hitotsu no koi, which i kind of liked and kinda didn't. i really loved hiroto, burdened with a disease called growing up too early and too fast. honestly the only reason i don't love the drama is ayase haruka, but i really liked the story (even if it was a cliché and utterly naive, but that was my fluff side showing, i suppose)

one pound gospel, where hatanaka-san made me laugh silly at his antics, but is so far my less liked kame drama, once again for the lead actress (who i still can't bring myself to like).

kami no shizuku is interesting in the way of getting to know a lot more (i'm not sure i care about) about wine. i like learning things, but as i've never really drunk alcohol, i don't really get this drama. maybe because i haven't finished it.

the point is. well, i didn't really had a point, just wanted to get this all out, i guess.

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physically speaking, i don't think i would like kame that much if we could ever meet in person. he has a toned body, sure, but he's also a little too slim (skinny some may say) for my tastes. not that that is anything bad. i, as a fangirl, love to gush over anything kame related, but realistically speaking, what i'm gushing and drooling over is not kame. is lights and poses and angles and make up and the perfect gesture and facial expression to bring out sexy or cute or hot or dorky or whatever else there is in the emotion specter to bring about.

i met kame through fics, some overly emotional and some cracktastic, heartbreaking and warm, hurtful and happy, but i don't know anything about kame, the real kame. i don't know him , but know of him. and that's what hurts the most when reality dumps over me a bald of cold water. that i don't know him, that i can't meet with him and chat and laugh and cry with him.

for me, being a fangirl is bittersweet, because i can't keep my pragmatic consciousness away from fangirl mood. he's perfect in his imperfection as a human, physically and emotionally. lauliet_k described it all so well in her last post. it made me feel kind of self-concious, like a lot of phrases and snippets in fanfics and fan comments at comm discussions.

what is kamenashi kazuya to me? who is kamenashi kazuya? are questions i still can't get over nor answer. i don't know what i was trying to say with all this, but...but this is all in my head. sometimes overwhelming and too much, but still not enough. never enough. because even if i call him kame as if we were close chummies, there's nothing else-

am i the only one this weird bout japanese idols?




p.s. tune here again for the next post on akanishi jin and the feelings he evokes in me





</lj>

so remember that exam i was gonna take to  join the SRE? well, i went to aguascalientes on a three day trip to take it. i'm almost positive i wont make it into the second round, but well, there's always next year, isn't it? and i need to begin looking for a job now. a real one, i mean, no more unattainable dreams or whatever.

i dread tomorrow.

so, what have i been doing in this fine day? apart from breaking faucets and getting all wet. not much really. usual stuff. fangirling for akame (thank you thank you thank you cartoon kattun producer i love you thank you), planning to watch my newly acquired season 5 of buffy the vampire slayer, cleaned my room, washed clothes, tried to write (totally sucked at it), been dl-ing a buch of movies i'll probably end up watching next month or something, read this, and this, and this, and oh, this.

i sound totally exanimate, which is kinda weird since i truly wanted to write something in here. only that once the window openec my words sound so, idk, disheartened. ::sighs::

oh, well, i'll try again tomorrow

i remembered that after watching something kattun related, i have this urge to post... only that i never do it. so, i just finished watching the making of video of RESCUE. awesome song and awesome dancing and i really really liked the part where everyone was making a lot of mistakes and whining because of it and how in junno's case it was the dancer that made all the mistakes, how the dancer complimented junno and how he  took it like, yeah, i know. he really has a lot of self-confidence, ne? it makes me envious. also also, when koki is all: shall i wait for taguchi? i might wait for taguchi at home. i'll just lie around waiting for him.  and then, do you remember? kame's solo at the queen of pirates con, the photo of those two topless! i'm tempted to look for some koki/junno fics now.

nakamaru's part still makes me lol!

it was cute that nobody got mad at kame when he made a mistake but made a fuss when everybody else did. also, the way jin called koki's name all sweet like and then dragged him to the set by force. hahaha!

i liked this pv better than one drop. i still like one drop's lyrics better though. though the lipsync lets too much to desire. ah~ the making of was really short this time, though. nande?

watching slow dance. awesome drama. i want to rewatch orange days. also, i want to rewatch you've got mail after reading the akame fic with that plot. a little grammar mistakes here and there, but all in all i really liked what the author made with it. hope she gets to write more akame!




about real life, i haven't studied for that exam. and i have one week and a half to read 5 books. i suck.... but i wonder, ne, if i should even try at all. maybe i should stop dreaming?

i've been wondering, lately, why is it that everytime a date i want to celebrate ends with me in tears. 

i was going to post this at 12, but i'm too sleepy and tired and don't know if i'll last until then.

i guess, what i wanted to say was happy birthday, kamenashi kazuya. you are 23 now in your time zone and in some minutes we'll share half a day of your birth date. this is the third time i wish happy birthday to someone i'll never meet, but i just want to take a page out from all the fangirls out there and shout out :

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAME! MAY YOU LIVE A LONG AND PROSPEROUS LIFE, MAY ALL YOUR WISHES COME TRUE AND ALL THE HAPPINESS IN THE WORLD BE YOURS.

(i really need to learn how to put sparkles to the next)

as i type, i'm crying, which is what i have been doing at intervals since six in the evening. stupid, i know. sometimes i wonder myself since when did i become so weak. ah~ i thought i was stronger, but with  the pass of time i've become weaker and weaker... and then, i see you, working so hard and can only admire from far away. not only about physical distance but also in another level, though i'm not sure which would it be.

nah, kazuya, how can you still smile? real or fake, being able to smile, sometimes i wonder if i can keep on doing it. i have no control left, not even over my own life.  i'm so tired.

.
.
.
.
.

somehow, this entry turned out being about me and not about you. i'm sorry.

seventeen minutes to go till midnight, ah, i'll be the middle of the day in japan by that time, ne? i hope your day keeps getting better and that you'll get lots of presents...

aaaah! i shouldn't have been watching i litre of tears in my emotional state! i suck at giving congratulation even when that person  it's not there to receive them. i want nee-san to come and save me. and i want some ryo-erika fic. yeah, totally random.

i thought there'll be more fics of kame. somehow, there weren't much. or as much as i hoped. i know i'm being unfair, since it's been months of my last update. m(_ _)m

uh, i think i just screwed the ep06 file of 1LoT. mooouu~ yes, i'm making time till midnight. i kind of suck at it, too. so, even when time zones overlap, i'll bee sleeping. or maybe i'm getting it wrong and in japan the it's already the 24th's halfday ? ah, i've forgotten everything about my geography class in junior high.

it's 12:00 already! so i'll celebrate your birthday sleeping while you keep up the idol life. seriously though, happy 23, kame. thank you for existing

so this time, instead of writing once waking up, i'm writing before falling asleep.

i don't know which is worse, but i'm sure that what'll come next will be no better

so after my spectacular fail at getting a job once again, mom decided to put me to paint brother's room and today everything hurts. so i'm charging brother with a couple of bermudas and a couple of cargo pant and maybe some t-shirts, muahahaha!

anyway, i  woke up at 9 again ::sigh::

in my defense, i was dead tired for painting and cleaning and moving furniture... i also managed to fall asleep at 1. about dreaming, i don't remember anymore, but it somehow felt important. i wonder what did i dreamt...

so in a couple of weeks i'll go to the D.F., i hope cindy will be up for some window shopping, because going only to process the cédula is no fun. though i'm not looking too much forward for a six hour trip on bus. also, i need to look for my junior high certificate. would still be in the other house? i didn't find it in this one. i need to take a trip over there! preferably when is daylight since i thinks there 's no electricity over there. i miss my old house!

ok, enough whining, see ya!

so, in my second day of early determination... i woke up at 9. i totally failed. i have no resolution. mostly because i fell asleep at 12:30 watching voice and waiting for dl to finish. sometimes, i really wonder why do i hate myself so much, because, you know, i feel like shit the next day.

i've never drunk alcohol, but as people describe the hang over, it sure feels like that when i wake up late after i've been depriving myself of sleep. god, i feel like shit. i think my splitting headaches every morning are the reason why i'll never drink, though that wine drama makes me crave for, you know, wine. kame, if i end up a drunkard it'll be all your fault, seriously.

anyway, dreaming. i dreamt i was a cat. or could convert into a cat. i also dream i was on a plane and broke the doors when i was trying to seal them close, only that i only broke them. not even in my dreams i do things right, it seems. and then i kept thinking, wait, is't the plane supposed to fall since the air coming in from the opened doors would affect the balance or air presure or something? but still, we reached the place we were going, which was a kind of youth hostel  where i was gonna live with other four people. so, the caretaker was an old man with perpetual bad mood and told us not to get out the room after 7.

so, like a little good girl i was arranging the curtains (which surprise, surprise, were the broken plane doors) only that it was too windy and the curtains  kept sliding off so i went out the window for them and found a supposedly friend of mine that i've never seen in my life before, only that the caretaker heard us talking and thought one of the youngers that came in we're breaking rules (and we were) so he began chasing us and i kept hearing this voice giving me advice and directions, telling me to go up the yellow stairs, not the red ones to reach my room, to take a left, to slide down. it was kind of a laberynth all in yellow and i got to my room just when the door was opening. the old man said something like, oh, you're here and then went out.

and i also got out again. by the window, where my supposed friend was waiting for me with two boys to go out and i kept giggling and singing softly as we walked. or, in my case, danced. the two boys kept bickering behind me (about, i think, hair styles and fashion) as i skipped off, i found money in the floor (just some coins. wait, does that mean i'll get the job i applied for?) and continued in my merry way drunken with the memory of a voice i heard that saved me from being lectured.

it was only when i woke up that i noticed the boys were pi and jin and the voice was kame's (who, i think, in my dream i was going to meet wherever i was going, only that i woke up before i could. that's he drepessing part)

so, yeah, wish me luck at getting the job? today they tell me

edit: i didn't get the job

you know when you're in school and only wish to get a break and sleep until your bed falls down under you and still you keep on sleeping in? well, after 8 months out of school and with no job in the horizon, i find myself needing a schedule, because, horrors of horrors, i'm more productive the less sleep i get. please shoot me.

so, i decided i'm going to drag myself up at 7 everyday and this is my first day... only that as always i fail and it took me an hour to get up.  -.-so to commemorate, i'm posting innane things in my innane journal! i sure hope it'll become easier as the week passes though, because needing an hour to get up is pathetic.

anyway, it kind of pays off when the first thing i see is this post. really hlopushka</lj> you made my day! (also, do you have a nick name? i'm kind of lazy and your username it's kind of difficult to remember for my dead brain)

ok, so thing i need to buy:

1. cortinero... well, i can't find how to say curtain hanger, so i wrote it in spanish
2. iphone... because i'm obssesed with it, ok. and also, i think kame uses an iphone in kami no shizuku so now i want it even more!
3. pills... like, you know, to help my digestion, and because i'm sure i have amoebas or something, since, you know, i haven't desparasited in years (i'm sure those words have a perfectly known technical name but i don't know it and i can't find it, so if you don't understand, is for th better)
4. jeans... oh, i saw in moroleon some cool one. and also some cheap cargo pants! and i want them!

so, as i need money, I NEED FIRST TO GET A JOB. WHEN IS THE OFFICE GOING TO CALL, DAMNIT?! ::insert dirty look at her phone::

well, i need to go and clean up, since, you know, i didn't do it at all yesterday and don't want another lecture from mom and i need a job, seriusly.

ok, i know i am obssesed in love with you and everything, but i don't think is healthy for me o dream of you two nights in a row. it's like the apocallypse or something and... it makes me really miss you more.

it's not that i want it to stop, it's just that i sure would like to be able to remember your face at least. or what the dream was about, but i only wake up with this urgency and call your name as if you were beside, and that's the problem, because i wake up looking around for you and calling your name and damnit, we never even shared a bed!

i just wish it hadn't  been like this, is all.

and i dreamt of you again

so, um, yeah.

life has been... the same, actually. no job, i may not get into the SRE, i have no money and my stomach feels funny.

in other news, i've been watching season four of buffy and season two of angel. after faith made her appearance on angel i was tempted to hate buffy, which is totally weird since, idk, buffy is supposed to be my favorite kick ass girl. but faith, she draws something in me, like, idk, i want to save her. or something.

i'm pretty weird about fandoms.

so, anyway. nightmares are back. only, that they feel different. i don't remember them, to begin. but, when i wake up, my skin feel all sticky, as if i had been sweating all night. which is new.

so, um, not much point in this post. hope it gets better

so, december the 31th was the suckiest of days that ever sucked. it was also Master's birthday, for which i'm terribly sorry, since i didn't post/wrote something for him and i've been doing that for the last ten years.

i would say happy 23, but you're dead and that day was anything but happy.

i'll come back later with a better post, i promise

wow, it's been ages since i  last posted (i'm a dirty liar, when i began lj i spent a year just to put a one paragraph post. and then another year to continue)

so, um, i finished second chapter of How to let go, but been lazy to type it on the pc. i fail at life. still, i'll try and put it up before the year ends. three -almost two- days for Master's birthday. God, i miss you.

so, i've been dreaming. kind of nightmares, but mostly very weird dreams.

yesterday's dreams was about that boy. the one that reminds me of a wolf, a predator in all senses, but somehow a kind of protector too. he gives me this sense of security i can't even begin to explain. i don't really remember the dream anymore, but it left me feeling so... weird, a longish kind of feel. maybe. i kept thinking all day, i've dreamed this before (which i did, though only the first part, because it's the same dream as always. always being chased and having no way out, just trying o survive. kill or be killed. once and again) and then, like an epiphany, i was all like "it's him. it's the same as him"

i had a dream once, a while ago. about a boy that could change into a wolf. or maybe it was a wolf that could change into a boy at whim. i remember the way his eyes shone with the moonlight, hair the purest black. i remember him extending his hand towards me, his voice "i want to get to know you", he said. "everything about you, i want to know"

it was the most wonderful confession i'd ever heard and it made me giddy even awake for about a week.

and he was back in my dreams, the same predatory aura, all stony silence and a stare that pierces through you, that simply knows everything there is to know about you, past, present, future. his presence screams "Leader" and you just have to follow, because he beckons you.

still, i was there, prepared to flight at any given opportunity, afraid and weak and ashamed and his eyes told me everything his mouth did not utter. "why do you keep running away? why won't you let me hold you?" and i was hysteric, i was sobbing, i was mad. i didn't know what i was anymore, a man, a woman, a wolf and then i screamed. it was horrible and desperate, an angished cry and dozens of shadows of wolfs emanated from me, intent to hurt him, engulfing him and then i woke up...

or i remember that i woke up, but i may just be making that up, because i don't remember anymore-

so, yeah.




p.s. and the tittle of this post? another one of my dreams/nightmares, though i don't remember what that one was about anymore, only the little white flower bleeding and bleeding till dyeing into a deep red, dripping blood all over the grass

... but i'm going in a little hiatus because rl is a pain in the ass and i won't have a computer near me for around another week? (please tell me it's not too long, that it'll pass fast) and it's been a week already without my precious and I HAVEN'T WATCHED ANY DRAMA WHY IS LIFE SO CRUEL?!

anyway, taking a page from trivialaffair  i'd like to request comments telling me of what i'm missing on, ya know, fics, kame's naked hot pics, kattun's new single (320 kbps), info about a new drama with a je boy starring (specially from kattun, news, arashi), because going back 800 entries is. not. funny. at. all.

so maybe not a lot of people is reading this, but i hope your soul is kind and helps me in this hour of need

p.s. if someone recs an akame fic, please, please, please, tell me the writing is beautiful and the plor worthy, ok? ok

p.s.2. FUCK I LOST MY JOB INTERVIEW IN GUANAJUATO AND THE JOB I APPLIED FOR IN THE FUCKING IFE REQUIRED OF ME TO GO TODAY AT 5 AND ONLY NOW I'M BEING INFORMED. FUCK, FUCK, FUCK I'M OUT OF POSIBLE JOBS AGAIN, FUCK

p.s.3. i think, well, not i'm pretty sure i don¿t want to marry. like, ever. i'm not even sure i want to have a boyfriend ever again

this is totally bizarre and i'm getting scared of having to go to sleep tonight. so i dream i was a man and was having sex with a woman who was not a woman but an android who had been waiting a thousand years for me to reincarnate or something. i've never even had a wet dream with a man before and now i'm freaking having sex with robots.

O.O

and the night before yesterday. that was even more weird. so the first thing i remember is kame giving jin a blowjob, only that it was not kamenashi, but a cyborg/clon of him, because jin could never be with kame, his friend and bandmate so even having something-one like that it was enough.

i don't know what's wrong with me

and my usb is dead.

does not work anymore.

useless

CAN NOTHING GO MY WAY?!

AT ALL?!

( ok. so behind this cut is the beggining of a lot of thoughts i've had on my mind lately. it's like the prologue to a series of essays with a lot of angst involved about my life, my fears, my morbidness about reality and practically rants. this thing has his own tag, so if you see this tag, which i will use in future post since i still have a lot to write about my life. i'll put all this under cuts, because i don't want to spam and i'd lock the thing, but i'm lazy and do not how. most likely, you won't want to read this, since it will only depress you. hell, it even depresses me. so you're warned. if you don't want to get depressed, then don't read this. i don't expect you, i only want to get it all out )

but i don't want to talk about them, so i was wondering if anyone knew of a tutorial for dummies that'll teach me how to hardsub.
someone? anyone?

*sighs*

my life sucks

so my brother took my hd and wih it all my files. i have no drama, no music and no fics

T.T

so now i just have the internet to rely on and i can't watch anything on line. i also don't have movies to watch and everything on tv is lame. just wanted to rant a little, sorry

just finished watching attention please special in Australia and i just have one comment.

WHY WASN'T RYO THERE? A GLIMPSE OF OLD FOOTAGE IS NOT ENOUGH. I ACTUALLY LIKED NAKAHARA SHOTA A LOT AND THERE ARE NO FICS. NOT EVEN ONE. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY!!!!!!!!!!!

T.T

... i can't believe i spent half my sunday reading porn.

then again,  je rare pair anonymeme is hot stuff. specially the koyama/ueda and the shige/jin

...

BUT STILL, WTF, WHERE IS THE OLD ME WHO DIDN'T DARE READ SOMETHING THAT WAS SMUT OR SLASH OR IDK

yappari, i should stop watching dramas ne, because, now i want shouta/youko fic from attention please AND I'M ALMOST SURE THERE ISN'T ANY ON THE NET!

TT.TT

does anyone know where can i find some?

*grabby hands*

first of all:

ASKAJKDUOAWHKSJK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SNOW XPRESS. SNOW EXPRESS STUDIO VERSION. OH MY TEGO, I LOVE YOU. AND I LOVE NEWS. AND I LOVE JE.

that said, and for lack of nothing better to do, i'm going to write pointless thing that have meaning to me.

( things i want to watch/need to finish watching (i.e.: obviously drama. and the odd american show) )
( things i want to read, but i'm too lazy to write myself )
( things i want to write )


wow, this is longer than i expected. has anyone read it all?

you know, when i thought "i'm writing a monster" i never thought the chapters will be like little monsters too. i haven't finished step tewo, but it's already 8 pages long. i thought that if anyway i was gonna have to split it i may as well do it now, so here it is:

Title: How to let go
Genre: ... a lot, actually
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Don't I wish they were mine?


Step two. Stand up

 

 

( part a )

it was going to be the longer thing i've ever posted about real life, like 2, 000 words, but my pc keeps screwing over with me, so now my rant is lost and i'm quite weary to write everything again. so long story short, i feel lost and don't know what to do with my life.
which is the same thing i've been saying since i began writing here, only that one hour ago i actually had explained why i felt lost and insecure.
so, in typical me-ness i made this quiz and got this:

( my complete personal profile and my most daunting fears in less than five minutes )

also, new meme!
Comment and I'll give you a letter, then make a list in your journal of all your favorite things that start with that letter. Then post this in your journal and give other people letters!

chokollet gave the letter "R", so let's try, ne.

Ryo, as in Nishikado from NEWS (first thing on my mind. surprise, surprise)
Read; Radio; Rooftops; Rails; Rain, Rainbow, Raindrops and just everything that has to see with rain, period; Rambles, Random; Raspberries, Receive, Reclusion (a little), Rediscovering, Reflection, Relax, Rivers, Rice, Rollerskates, Rustic things (especially of the wooden kind)

so this time, i took an old meme from

darkeyedwolf 
Directions: Write down twelve of your favorite characters. Number the list. Then click the cut for random cracktastic questions. (Don't look at the questions before you've come up with the list or else you'll spoil it. XD)

1. Kamenachi Kazuya
2. Akanishi Jin
3. Yamashita Tomohisa
4. Ueda Tatsuya
5. Matsumoto Jun
6. Tegoshi Yuya
7. Kato Shigeaki
8. Masuda Takahisa
9. Sakurai Sho
10. Koike Teppei
11. Koyama Keiichiro
12. Ikuta Tomah

( here the questions )
well, this was interesting. and trying. and hilarious
 

* Grab the nearest book.
* Open the book to page 56.
* Find the fifth sentence.
* Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.
* Don't dig for your favorite book, the cool book, or the intellectual one: pick the CLOSEST.

"Anyone who resists must be knocked on the head; anyone who stays in bed must be put to sleep forever. Dead men tell no tales."

And here is my part of the meme, because i do not want to  be knocked on the head:

 Aquél era en realidad el acertijo, y si su respuesta era correcta podrían escapar del castillo, dejar para siempre aquel limbo para volver nuevamente a sus puestos y obligaciones en las Guerras Terapéuticas con la deuda saldada.

so lately, i've been doing quizzes reccomended by je fans. the new one is this

You Scored as Ninomiya Kazunari You're most compatible with Nino! You understand that everything has a facade and a core - and you don't get hung up by taking everything at face value. Nino seems to prefer someone who doesn't want to dramatically change his life, sees the real deal, and still wants to stay - with him, you get a complex realist. Results based on a 2006 translated interview about ideal marriages - therefore, you may want to take everything with a grain of salt. ;)   Ninomiya Kazunari 68% Ohno Satoshi 60% Aiba Masaki 60% Matsumoto Jun 50% Sakurai Sho 40%

it always amazes me how i get the boys i like the less from the band boys i worship like.
*sighs*and this probes to be an inconsequential entry since i don't have anything else to do.

ok, remember that story, the meaning of a smile i wrote about three people important to me, apart from them, and how i said something like Nothing will ever do anything to hold back the encroaching dark you've ended welcoming. You think that if it ever dissipates, you'll miss the nightmares somehow ?
well, let me tell you it was not LITERAL!
so, yeah, the daily nightmares of doom have come back. where went the days when i didn't remember the dreams i had? gosh, i sure miss them.
summary: brain, stop making me wake up at three in the morning for a stupid unconscious process that portrays fears i do not understand, thank you!
except, maybe, for that  recurring nightmare i used to have as a child where that beautiful white wolf cornered me into falling from the roof of a house to my death while he looked at me impassively with saphire-like eyes piercing through my soul until i spilled all my secrets. that nightmare is worth any fears you throw at me, really.
...
so what? i'm weird, ok? bear with me.
also, that nightmare totally made me fall in love with wolfs, especially white furred wolfs with piercing saphire-blue eyes. it kind of reminds me of Master.
and talking about him, you know you finally accepted the death of a loved one when you do not dream of that person beside you when time were better and he was alive, but of yourself begging an omnipotent being to Give Master back to me. Why did you take him away? Why couldn't we stay together?! while crying deperately, waist deep on a blue lake and splashing water, shouting at nothing for someone, anyone, to answer your prays, sobbing for all you're not worth

Comment and I'll reply with answers to:

a) Tell you why I friended you.
b) Associate you with something -- a fandom, song, color, photo, etc.
c) Tell you something I like about you.
d) Tell you a memory I have of you.
e) Ask you something I've wanted to know about you
f) Tell you my favourite userpic from your list
g) In return, you need to post this on your own

so, i'd try and write something witty but i feel like shit. still, i'll try and be objective and honest... though many people wouldn't think that as something good coming from me.

also, been having nightmares daily. thought that phase was over with. damn

so i read the what-i-may-or-may-not-hate-about-you rants of cynicalism and calledinvain from their lj's the other day and since then i have this urge to say how sorry i am, beacuse even if they do not read the entries in my lj, i seem to be everything they really dislike in a person.
so, yeah.
anyway, i saw this pic today:


at first i thought "Koki, what happened to you?" and somehow kept coming back to the pic everytime i refreshed my flist page. and somehow i thought that it looked like Domyouji Tsukasa, not the liveaction, but the manga version. of course i love Matsujun as Tsukasa come to life, but it does looks alike ain't it? especially with the expression. and the crooked smile and the perm. even the damn eyebros look alike
in other news, i got Koyama as my first option in this test . lol *me is amused*
So my HAPPY romance partner is: B - KOYAMA KEICHIIRO ♥
since You’re seeking a partner you can be friends with, the most important requirement being that you can have enjoyable conversation. If you follow along with Kei-chan, whose characteristic talking power rises during a date, you won’t have any unsatisfactory thought of him right? The date course is recommended to be Kei-chan’s favourite health spa. With a mellow feeling, can you feel the loo~se sort of good atmosphere of it? Lets overlook that he’s somewhat of an idiot, which is the fashionable thing right now.
this is quite amusing to me, since from all the NEWS i thought i'd be compatible with, i would never in a million years think Koyama as the one.
even so, what it says up IS there totally, one hundred percet true. i think your partner should be your best friend and a enjoyable company.
the second time around i made the test, i got Tegoshi, which is also hilarious since the description of the kind of relationship we could have is everything i would hate in a relashionship. i think i'll stick with Keii-chan then.
and now i remember some other tests i did quite some time ago, like the one about What CLAMP charactrer was i alike. i got Sakurazukamori Seishirou (was that his name?), the cold killer who looks nice, polite, and seemmingly caring and warm, but could care less about things like cute fuzzy animals, flowers and people around him. once, one of them told me that it was amused about the perspective people had of me, since i was contrary to what everyone else thought i was. then she came to my home, entered my room and said something like you're pretty normal. i think i'm dissapointed which made me wonder what kind of concept did it have of me, but no matter how many times i asked, it would not tell me. oh, well.
also, went to the IFE. the lawyer told me there may be a chance i can get a job there by january next year. it would be temporal though (ten to eleven months)... i will have to study everything about Derecho Electoral though and it's not even certain i'd get the job *sighs*
i also received a mail back from the tribunal in celaya. they told me what requirements where there to get a job, but regretably there was no oppenings to get a job at the moment... even now, i'm still wondering why they would tell me the requirements to apply for a job there then.
which takes me back to my last msg chat with esther and her last words. maybe next time you can give me goos news. in reference to get a job... or a boyfriend, as if nothing else was important. it made feel as if i had no values if i don' have one of those things. ammoyed me too.
oh, well
nighty night


p.s. i keep forgetting the tags i have and have to open another tab just to see in what category my entries should be in. trying to be organized and all that
*looks around at the complete disaster/mess state her room is*
i wonder how people can get like a bazillion tags and stil know which one to use...or do they make new tags along the way and never use them anymore?
p.s.2 all this talk about tags made me remember how my last entry was the shortest i've ever written but still got two new tags all by itself. it amuses me even now. lol
p.s.3 i will stop adding to this before the p.s.' get longer that my actual entry, i promise


.....
i lied
XP

01) Are you currently in a serious relationship?  ... does day-dreaming with an akame trio counts?
02) What was your dream growing up? ok, this is gonna sound... i don't know how is gonna sounnd but i've never had a dream to grow into
03) What talent do you wish you had? hacker-skills. i would kill for them
04) If I bought you a drink what would it be? tea. or juice
05) Favorite vegetable? carrots. maybe lettuce
06) What was the last book you read? killing fear by allison brennan (why did Esther think i liked a serial kiler plot-kind of book i will never know)
07) What zodiac sign are you? aries
08) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where. nop. really afraid of pointy things
09) Worst Habit? leave everything aside to be online and then get yelled at
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride? ... first i would have to learn how to drive, but sure... if i recognize you
11) What is your favorite sport? to watch? ice skating. practice myself? running... only that i'm lazy and don't practice it
12) Do you have a Pessimistic or Optimistic attitude? pessimistic. everything that can go bad WILL go bad and all that
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me? it depends. do i know it's you or do i not?
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you? get swindled
15) Tell me one weird fact about you. i like japanese boys? well, that's what everyone else thinks is weird about me. oh, oh, i know what. i've never really flailed about a boy until i met je
16) Do you have any pets? no
17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly? ... i would be polite, but it mostly depends on my moods. either way, i'll treat you nicely, but inside i would be all like "what are you doing here?" if i don't want to be with people
18) What was your first impression of me? SHE WRITES AMZING FIC. HOW CAN SHE WRITE SUCH AMAZING FIC. GOD, I LOVE HER let's check her tags for akame fic
19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary? scary... well, it depends on the clown, i suppose. but mostly scary
20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be? less hair on my legs
21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience? crime partner, definetly
22) What color eyes do you have? dark brown
23) Ever been arrested? nop
24) Bottle or can soda? ... what kind of bottle are we talking about? ¬¬
25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?  buy a lap. and all the buffy canon novels. god i want thos books
27) What's your favorite place to hang out at? my room
28) Do you believe in ghosts? ... myabe? i'm not too sure myself
29) Favorite thing to do in your spare time? be online
30) Do you swear a lot? not really
31) Biggest pet peeve? what is a pet peeve?
32) In one word, how would you describe yourself? uncertain
33) Do you believe/appreciate romance? god, yes. specially of the akame kind
34) Favourite and least favourite food? pizza/cucumber?
35) Do you believe in God? ... yes
36) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you? dunno how to

LAST NINGTH I DREAMT I WAS PREGNANT AND WAS GONNA HAVE A BABY AND IT'S THE WORST NIGTHMARE I'VE EVER HAD!
IT WAS HORRIBLE AND HORRIBLE AND HORRIBLE
OMG!
X

so after reading a LOT of tutorials and grasping only the basic of the basics (because i suck at following written instructions and things NEVER go my way), i erased azureus, bitcomet, bitorrent and various other torrents i couldn't get to work properly since the download speed for those things was 1 to 5 kb/sec.

and the things i want are on torrent, like, you know, buffy's e-books (all canon novels) and those american series i'd like to finish watching, like buffy, angel, dr. house, supernatural and dark angel. i also could downlad from

*sigh*

and this is where it gets depressing (for me at least). i watched orange days. i think is the first drama i've finished watching that has no pretty JE boys in its starring, for which i was kind of uninterested at first until i saw Sae give Kai a kick. it was hilarious.

i think i identified myself a little too much with some aspects with the characters, like Shohei saying "I'm just putting life off", creating excuses for myself and lying tto my family about the date release of my resultsand things like that. although i haven't found anything to work for (literally and metaphorically). i also have no impressing memories of my school life. i remember fun stories, but those aren't things that'll stay with me for the rest of my life. even the people i spent time with then, in a year time, i'm not sure i'll talk with (mostly because of my indifference)

i'm quite weird about this thing of not wanting to have contact with people i won't be interacting from now on anymore. like, turning to the next thing and moving on, only that i never really move on. sometimes i miss and sometimes i regret and then i tell myself that this is what i want (and notice that it is mostly how i really feel, just not really interested).

i think... well, no. i'm quite sure i really hate to have to interact with people, specially with people that sought my friendship (in rl i mean), wether they really mean it or not. to have to answer to their questions and little messages. mostly of having nothing to say back to them, because there's no point since they just ask as small-talk. usual questions usually followed by one word answers or not even that.

i wonder when my lj comments began to be lenghtier than my real conversations (and seeing that is only now that i'm geting comments back that is quite pathetic), i think i'm even sadder when i don't get an answer back from a comment i made that from that of an acquaintance

...

an d mom called me a while back to go do things and i totally lost the tread of this entry, so i'll leave it at this

So I've read the redone four chapters of Chain from pengiechan over at ff.net.
I must say I miss the character development of her first multichapter (actually discontinued), the way Hiyono and Ayumu's relashionship bloomed from time and closeness and I don't know how to explain, but the new story leaves me desiring a lot from the plot. How his feelings for Madoka were changing at the same time Hiyono's importance was being brought to light, the doubts, the subtleness.
The pace, in especial, was quite enjoyable, exploring the feelings on each character, their evolution tep by step, indicidually and as a whole even when they weren't in every scene.
Pengiechan's writing is still beautiful and deep (which is why I still want to read the new Chain), but to leave such a story like the old Chain without an ending just when the plot was thickening was sad.
...
And I can't believe I'm writing this or even understand why.
Lately, I've had a lot in my mind about what to write on here. Or just write in general (How to let go should've have been over at chapter six by now, so why is it I haven't done anything?), but usually it just ends up being forgotten as I read.
I reread Stefan Gagne, btw. At least the Slayers part. Finished Slayers Virtual, which left me quite confused about cyberpunk fic, from which I didn't understand a lot of concepts, but still finished in one day (my eyes hurt and I have a BIG headache). It's just the perfect balance between all categories in a story.
I feel quite like Gourry when they were talking about VR and lusers and bot and what not (hackers, feh!)
Plan on reading an AU of Ranma 1/2 from the same author, plot-wise about cyberpunk (I think the theme was this, if not, I fail). Maybe this time around it'll make more sense (wish I were a hacker. That way I could get back my old hotmail account, which I miss. A lot. Since, you know, it has the same name as my lj account and that name is quite important to me.)
Also, just found Spiral manga scanlated almost completely, so at least I'll undertand a little more about Hizumi and the back-story of Kiyotaka.
And talking about manga, read MARS last week. Must say, Jin would make the perfect Rei if the rumour  about it being made into a drama was truth. Is easy to picture him in that role, though I can't imagine him with Maki as co-protagonist. True that Maki gives out that Kira-feeling, but together... I can't imagine them together. Dunno why (Yamapi, Akira, Kurosaki)
Planning on finishing Liar Game (which has been on my HD for months now), dl Maou and watch it (since I stopped at ep. 3), waiting for Code Blue (ls productions, hope your virus problem can be fixed soon)
Also, been downlading all soundtracks producer by Yokko Kano. Dl Secret Code and the Kanjani8 albums, which I haven't listened.

I should update more about rl...
In which I'm struggling for a job, Father has been telling everyone he knows I've finished college so they can give me a (bad-paid) job, went to Irapuato last Tuesday to leave a job application (still waiting for a call), will go to the IFE Monday to see if there is a place for me.
Must write my CV
Waiting for a call from LaSalle to see if I passed my Ceneval (in wich I had 1145 points and supposedly I'll past if I get 1000, so people around me is sure I did pass while I'm waiting for confimation) and to give the damn certificate.
Had a lot of fights over thinking about my future, from which I'v NEVER EXPECTED ANYTHING, because I'm lame and scared shitless.
Discovered I hate eating, but still find myself stuffing food inside my mouth and gaining weigh

And now I notice I don't know quite how to tag this entry
Wish me luck (and wit) to find suitable categories

So, I tend to come back to this story quite a lot. Once I began reading it, I can't stop myself.
So, I'm re-posting this again in my quest at journal edition
Last time though I didn't say anything about this piece. The en of  "The meaning of a smile" with double angst to top it.
To Black Star, may you all find the happiness you gave me with your presence.