LOL

Significado y origen de nombre Akame
	Akame Es un halago para la mujer. Significa Bella, Hermosa, Divina, Preciosa...También significa escarlata (color)

you know how i can't help myself when akame is involved, so no matter i already shared on twitter, i love this pic SO FUCKING HARD (no pun intended)

no ljcut because this shouldn't be hidden.

also, hoping so really much for this prompt to be written.

i really really really want this:

not really. i mean, i've never gotten scared in my house and mom says it's haunted. maybe i'm not that atuned with spirits? or something? it'd be an experience at the very last.

and ey, rent-free! i'm all for free things. or something.

god, i'm so sleepy and it's only 4 in the evening. i wanna sleeeeeeeeep. totally out of context, but well.

so. my answer is i'll all "go for it!" though mom maybe would be all DDDDDD:

though luck. if it was rent-free i would so live there

but i feel kinda weird. since morning i've felt out of it. not in the emotional sense, but my stomach feels quasy and i think i'm dizzy. not sure, but i've found myself going a little sideways.

idk why i'm posting. except i want to save this link for future refence. it made laugh last night.

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/Asspull

someday i'll read all the articles in this page, for now i really need to clean my room

now i have to do a schedule and a sample class so they can hire me. idk how to do the schedule. Liz' supposed to help me, but she's kinda busy with life and, well, rl.

so today from 5 to 9 i crammed biology, geography, history, math, physics, chem, and literature and it made me remember why i really liked school/high school when i was 12. college ruined it for me, i swear. so now i have this urge to reread all my old books and that encyclopedia my father bought me when i was 14 and is like three 3.5" thick but i'm kinda hyped about it.

i was so nervous about doing that exam T_________T. i shake like a leaf in autumn when people mention they're gonna make me do exams. i'm no good with exams. i'm pretty good about talking in public about class topics, even when i suck at small talk and social relations.

so now i'll go and watch something as a reward to myself, though i should be cleaning my room. no internship till training the 11th. so, free time, yay! though i'll be doing laundry and chores and things like that. i need a new lotion. the one i have is not enough anymore. my hands feel dry no matter how many times i put my current lotion on. i guess it only works on summer. but i don't have the money to buy a new one since i spent all my saving in an instyler. i-it was shinny and on sale?

SAHDKLASDJAS HAVE YOU WATCHED MIURA HARUMA AND SATO TAKERU WHEN THEY GUESTED ON TOKYO FRIEND PARK II? DID YOU SEE TAKE-CHAN~ MANHANDLE MIURA HARUMA? DID YOU? DID YOU? DID YOU?

AND HERE I THOUGHT NO ONE COULD BE AS MEANLY ADORABLE AS KATTUN. AND TAKE IS TWO YEARS OLDER THAN MIURA.

SHE, WHERE ARE YOU WHEN I NEED TO FLAIL? T_______________________T

instead i bring 1582 kame pics that shallowsleep shared on twitter and made us pronounce ourselves as ridiculous kametards. never have i felt more proud to be called that =D

have nothing else to say

I ENTIRELY BLAME THIS FIC

so add me? https://twitter.com/kriszeth, i still don't know how to add people. fuck, idek if my flist has a witter



PS. PLEASE ADD ME I FEEL LONELY AND INSECURE

BUT THAT MOMENT IS TOO MUCH FAR AWAY AND I WANT A FUCKING HIATUS OUTTA LIFE. LIKE NOW. PRETTY PLEASE send me to japan to study japanese for six months, is all i ask, in fact, i won't ask for anything else for the rest of my life if i can do this-

so just when i though life was getting better someone tells me "I don't need a lawyer, I just need a secretary. Here, I'll let you watch the office and if after a year you're still here, I'll rent you one of the offices above mine and let you work as a lawyer. For now, I can pay you the equivalent to 40 US dollars per week for nine hours a day, six days a week. It's a chance, grab it"

so i have been listening to LANDS' BANDAGE on repeat. 42 times played and counting. still not feeling all that much cheered up. also i can't help but keep expecting Taylor Dayne to sing "Tell it to my heart, tell me I'm the only one, Is this really love or just a game?" IDK DON'T ASK ME WHY.

has no relation with anything i've said above, but here, have a pretty pic of the excedingly handsome man that is really excidently handsome and i don't flail enough about him in here




have nothing else to say, so i'll go to sulk away now









P.S puffie_hanchan PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR NOT HAVING BEEN LEAVING COMMENTS ON YOUR NEW FIC, BUT I ALWAYS END UP READING IT FIVE MINUTES BEFORE I HAVE TO GO TO MY INTERNSHIP IN THE MORNING, BUT ILOVEIT,PLEASEDON'TSTOPWRITING,THANKSFORSHARING. /breaths again

so, first of all let's welcome silver_ryu and grapewhine to the flist yo!, my new trophies additions after these two comment threads, respectively.

as some of you may have noticed, i tend to send comments in my post since i'm too lazy to go and reply on your entries, so please bear with me. and if you don't like it, ell and i'll remove you from here or something

to silver_ryu , i knew there was a reason why i feared your lj, even if it's just your work related one. i ended up being all @w@ after i went to see who was deltadedirac. also, i just noticed you're from spain. así que tambien hablas español?

to grapewhine , i went and decided to steal this link outta your lj because jin quotes are awesome. also, hope your familiar situation gets better (though i'm not sure what was the problem), and if not, ey! as you said, there's always the option of moving out. ::wink, wink::

to koneho , you write like this and expect me to believe your normal? sorry, but not happening. ok, leaving that aside, i tend to forget that outside the internet people have real normal lives, not that you're abnormal or something. most of your post are cheery, so reading a post about your current rl problems is what threw me off. with this i'm not saying i'm gonna defriend you or anything, because those actually make me learn something about the real you, and even when it sometimes might throw me off, it also makes me sympathize with you in some level, i'm glad we're friends. i'm also glad my babble tends to at least make you laugh. so ::hugs:: hope your situation improves.

to ashi, i'll miss you, come back soon and bring lots of fic XP ::is bricked::.

to cookie, please get better soon. i miss your posts even when i don't understand an iota of russian XP

i think i'm forgetting lot of someones, but maybe i actually commented on your lj so as to not send you a comment in my own entry?

so, guys, guys ::flais:: i just discovered haruna ai is a transexual.


really now, what would make you think this is nothing but a woman?


fuck, i knew japanese men make for absolutely gorgeus women, i'm kinda sad he's prettier than me. and let's not forget about the jealousness she inspires in me (btw, does anyone know if this arashi episode has been subbed and where could i watch/download it?). his/her discography in here. and if you download it, mind telling me if it's any good?

in other news, WHY HAVE I NEVER HEARD ANYONE FLAIL ABOUT THE AWESOMEST THAT IS TOKYO FRIENDS? WHY HAS NOBODY WRITTEN ANY FIC? WHY DOES NOBODY PAIR EITA WITH OTSUKA AI? GOD, I NEVER KNEW IT'D BE SO UTTERLY AWESOME AND THEIR RELATIONSHIP, OMG, I WANT RYUUJI TO BE MINE, BUT I ALSO WANT HIM TO BE WITH REI AND HAS ANYBODY ON MY FLIST WATCHED THIS SHOW? WHAT WOULD IT TAKE FOR SOMEONE TO WATCH IT SO I CAN FLAIL AND FANGIRL WITH SOMEONE ELSE? THEIR LOVE SHOULD BE EPIC, REALLY  T_______________________T

and because this is getting too long, let's finish with this:


vampire!kame. so, anyone willing to write me a little something about this? someone? no? well, it was worth a shot. good night flist!

...

shit.

i think i just fell in love with Otsuka Ai

and just because i can, piano version of the same song

so this reminded me of master. somehow, there was an influx of memories inside my head. it was bittersweet. it's hard to feel almost numbed over it, because (and this is gonna sound so masochistic), i don't want it to stop hurting. it feels as if, i let go of that feeling of lost, it'll be like he never existed in the first place. i'm so sorry

this time, we will talk about the drama i've watched lately. so first, those i've already finished.

Mei-chan no Shitsuji.- .... i must say, i don't like this drama. there were hot ikemen, because hello hiro and takeru, but that's pretty much everything that hooked me up. you'll notice i didn't like this for the sole point of not remembering the character's names when i saw this merely a month ago. to me, it did not leave an impression, except for takeru. i liked takeru's character a lot and was sorely disappointed when he did not get the girl. he was funny and warm, had a short temper but he brought out a lot from mei's character, so japan, you fail for sending takeru to London. i did not like lucia-sama. mostly because she did not fit in there. she was too old for my taste, but... oh well. it's not as if i haven't seen 20 years old play highschoolers, but there was something so wrong about her in this, idek what. also, hiro's pants. i hate hiro's pants. the cut was so weird and it only looked good when he had his coat on, but everytime he took it off i was all ...  :|  .- i kinda liked the ep when the genius kid tried to spend a day away from the school. i quite liked the plot in that part. i also liked the ninja's character, umi or something, her story was touching.

MR. BRAIN.- klasjdlkasjd am i the only one that liked this?¡ though, well, after enjoying galileo, i'm not all that surprised, since i like this kind of plots... sometimes and far in between. and also, kimutaku \o/ what i did not like, however, is how inconclusive the ending felt. not only because of the open ending but because hirosue ryoko did not appear again after ep 1. that's what i've been more miffed about. D: i keep hoping for a special or something, because i can't help but feel as if ryoko has something to do to unravel some kind of plot in this series... though maybe that is just me.

Kami no Shizuku.- \o/ I FINALLY FINISHED IT YAY! so i can burn it now and get it out of my hd to create space =D. as i've mentioned before, i liked this in the way i like to learn new things and ::gasp:: i did learn a little about wine. though i may never taste it. at least not until i'm far far away from home where mom can't see me. i'm not going to say it enraptured me, but it was kinda funny and i can't seem to really dislike any kame drama, because, hello, this has kame in it and i'm a sucker for kame. still, it made me embarrassed to listen kame said "Mezame wo, Bacchus" or every time Issei went "Aaaaaah" or "Oooooooh". but the impression it left me with was LOL awkward hug is awkward. like, miyavi runs to shizuku and first she raises her arms and for a moment she doubts, because kame also raises his arms and she ends up hugging him by the waist and just lol about it. i kinda liked the confession, even if i think there's no future for this pairing, because even the hug was mostly like a brotherly hug. i liked kame the little tease not saying anything directly. it was quite funny. also, it surprised me how much Issei changed with a smile.

and now, what i have not finished.

Buzzer Beat.- i finally cracked under the peer pressure exuded from my flist with all those post about it... and ended up watching the ten ep hardsubbed in two days. i quite like this one. specially for cuddle-time. it's always heart warming watching all the cuddling there is in this drama. what astounds me is... when naoki hugged/kissed natsuki, he felt so detached. but when he hugged/kissed riko, it was like he was another person entirely. idk if this is thanks to the drama director and his awesome direction skills or that old rumor about yamaki/keiko dating once upon a time. it certainly adds fuel to the fire, because when i watch them, i see two people comfortable with each other. like, when naoki first kisses riko, his kiss felt like falling back into old habits. idk, i felt weird about it. they truly felt like a couple. maybe that's what throws me off, since i'm getting accustomed at japan not letting actors kiss/touch.

Kamen Rider Den-O .- just because this has 49 and two movies and idk how many specials ere i can watch behind the scenes and making offs and, have i mentioned i liked sato takeru before? he's quite cute and my favorite imagin is forever Ryuutaros, though i'm all ............... when he begins dancing and how people just appear out of nowhere dancing too. i'm also planning on watching kamen rider kiva after i finish this. and no, i can't believe it either.

what i want to watch next.

Tokyo Friends. i watched like the first 15 min. on mysoju and i liked this one a lot. so i went and downloaded the ost. i'm still looking for a harsubbed avi version of this drama, but it seems there are only softsubs out for this one  ::pouts:: if someone on my flist knows where i could find it, can i have a link?

Rookies. satoh takeru. enough said.

something with hirosue ryoko in it. any reccs? i've watched summer snow, moto kare, slow dance, and that's pretty much it, but i really like her and hope someone can direct me towards something of her.

ah~ this ended up being all about drama. maybe tomorrow i'll post about how was it my first day at the Procuraduría Agraria

good dreams ::waves::

as i ask this from myself, there's people isolated in Philippines. idk if there are people on my flist that live there apart from fionnakreuz  and koneho, though in kon's case is only her family. still, girls, i hope everything is ok with you two and those you hold dear, sorry for having being unable to comment on your ljs, i've been having a shitty week myself, only not in storm-like proportions, but shitty non the less.

so, to download or to not download? buzzer beat's bloopers are compelling me to just download the drama and get it over with, but my hd is full and watching online kills the bandwidth and i'm still trying to get back all the music i lost last year. there's so many things to download and not enough time/hd space/decent download speed/what-not. so,  opinions? is it worth it?

i finally caved and begged for an internship that would not count as an internship since i won't get a recommendation letter from the institution in itself, but i can get a recommendation letter from those who'll be my inmediate superior(s). maybe. so hello internship, goodbye lousy job that won't get me work experience in my field. i begin monday and finish in december. i'll be money-less for another three months if not more, but i'd given the first step into the uncertain. or something. i kinda hate myself for it.

like, i have this old classmate who studied the same as me, at the same time, tough in the capital and she's even got new car of the year and argh. i feel pathetic and like i'll never amount to anything. my life, such fail. i don't even want to talk to her since everything she talks to me about is how much she enjoys her work and all the awesome and interesting courses she's taking and all the cool things she has money to spend in and then she asks me what have i been doing and it's hard to look her in the eye and tell her i'm still looking for a job and see her do all of this disappointed/belittling faces  (or so the feel and look like), almost like a sneer and i feel so incredibly tiny and insecure and ashamed and i think i want to cry so...

so, i'll go sulk away. good night

i kinda suck at being an lj friend, but you knew that already. so, late happy bithday to ceathair . hope it was an awesome day for you.

in the topic of birthdays, today's hilaryscribbles birthday, so happy birthday to you too ::claps enthusiastically::. we haven't talked much, but the little we have commented on each other has been fun. and, ey! i've managed to greet you on your actual birthday! :)

so, um, update.

what's gone wrong this week:

monday. i got stomach sick thanks to a late dinner consisting on three tacos,
tuesday. i fell on the bathroom and now sport a fading bruise in my foot that hurts everytime i put on my shoes.
wednesday. some idiot gave permission to have a fucking grupero dance that gave into 3 fucking in the morning of the next day. i wanted to kill someone for it (in fact, still want to), since i was just getting my internal clock into proper sleep hours.
thursday. the headache from hell.
friday. my eyes itch and are tired as hell. too many hours online and lack of sleep-
also, not into any particular day, but i didn't get a call from the bank so i guess i didn't get that job. so now i have two options left: a. take any job available whatever the pay and/or kind of job. this way, i won't have any experience on my field, but i'll get money, however little it'd be. b. beg for an internship and not receive any pay whatsoever but get work experience for at least two years.

what's gone passable this week:
sadly, this excerpt will be only filled with fandom centered  things.
1. jin's awesome naked pics. the first time i saw them, i was "... hot". the second time i saw them i was "... i kinda what to see his front". and then i read some entry's comments about how jin fans were all 'i don't like jin anymore because he did naked photos with someone that is not me' (or so it sounded) and i was between "don't i wish i had that body so jin could choose me to pose nude<s>above</s> with him?" and "... fuck. i hate it when i get overly aware of how i don't have the sculptural body of a model" and then "... what are these girls on? not liking jin anymore just because of this? how old are they?" so i decided to be all "...  :| " about it. i'm still gonna download the hq version either way.
i also found this awesome post with awesome naked. i loled at yamapi's naked pics. a lot. oh, the awkward.
2. i'm downloading kamen rider den-o. and enjoying it. a lot. i'm not sure if this is good or bad, so let's got with :| again.
3. been rekindling myself with my old fandoms, since akame has been slow and far in between, like yuffentine and edxwinry. it's been two years since i kinda abandoned them, so a lot of the old school writers (2006-ish) finally finished those long, long, looooong fics with awesome characterization i gushed about. which is the reason why my eyes itch and are sunken and kinda red.

p.s. i haven't written anything for je-hols. actually, i'm in such a depression that i'm actually wondering if i should just give up already

fuck i go to sleep and wake up to fin jin naked pic. idk if it's the best morning or the worst

have a link

the hundreth post was supposed to be something special, but i'm all bleh so whatever.

have sparkly mario!akame that was on my flist a couple days ago

or not even school made me feel like this, all hollow and tired of living. but that's not here not there.

ah~ i haven't answered properly to the f-list. sorry guys, i've felt shitty since i've come back from the hospitals, so my comments sound kinda soulless. today i began commenting again, but it still lacks something, idk what.

things to do:

1. find a job
2. write something for jehols
3. comment on the f-list
4. sleep

i'll do the sleeping thing after i add some links. like this fabulous interview. kattun, i don't know how many times i've said it, but please, don't you ever change. ever.

and as always, only to keep track of it, a link to the newest entry of punkroxta. because pretty art is pretty. and i like the third and last ones the best. though jin babbling is pretty too.

and speaking of photos, this:


jin's face, why does it look like he's gonna cry? i know, the weirdest things get to me. credits to... idk, i took this one from akameaday or however that comm is called. my coherence, pretty much non-existent at the moment

and as i'm sharing things i don't have the remote idea where i got from, here, a pretty kame gift:

have i ever told you how much i love kame on this pv? his childish wonderment and the underlying sadness and just everything. i remember watching it the first time and trying to guess who was who and keep thinking, 'something's wrong here. they feel like incomplete. who's that one again?' and then finding out jin was not there in the first place. ah~ don't you feel all </3 when watching it every time? as if something is missing. well, of course something's missing, jin was on la. but the first time i watched it i didn't know jin was missing, i didn't even know who was who at the time, but how still something still felt amiss. ah~ i'm rambling.

speaking of akame, does anyone know where can i find a fic i saw on some comment fic entry, where kame and jin study magic in hogwarts or some castle/school teaching magic and jin jinxes kame into saying the great magnificent somethingsomething jin instead of his name and kame is all grrr, you'll pay for this and then sex ensues with kame being an all out S? dunno why, but really want to reread that one.

been wondering if i should add gothicauthor as a friend. i've read some of her entries and doesn't she read awesome? but mostly cool. but i don't know if she'll add me back. i don't even know if i can ask her to add me in the first place. and in the topic of adding friends, when did camui_eiri locked her lj? mou~ all the pretty fic in her lj that i can't read anymore T______T

also thinking about writing down that pretty nigthmare about the white wolf. just, you know, to keep it somewhere as a reminder of, idk, my childish fears? because you know i'm the kind of person to reread her own entries innumerable times, just because.

totally unrelated, but even though my stomach feels kind full, i want to eat a hamburger, i blame cartoon kattun 122 with all the gian hamburgers and giant curry plates and giant noddles. random lj ads with hamburgers do not help

good night flist- sleep tight?

i dreamt of nee-san

THIS
i think it just made my night, ok?
LOL chibi!kattun singing one of gackt's songs. i just... ::speechless::

i blame ueda for this one

aka ::gasp:: after almost a year, i finally update. is anyone following this fic any way?

title: how to let go
disclaimer: i own nothing

step two: Stand Up!


( part b )

or the day when i do all the things i've left to pile over the week

it has come to my attention that the day people find easier to relax at, i use it to do all those things i've left pending since i was too lazy. i.e. laundry, room cleaning, dusting and stuff like that.

even though everything hurts a little, i'm happy i finished almost everything, though this sudden rain appearances didn't let me hang to dry he last ones D:

still, there's always tomorrow.

as i listen to my family discuss... work and life and just about every other topic imaginable, i wrote 1,683 words fro How to let go. me is accomplished, since it had been hell trying to write something for it for a while. part two of the second chapter is gonna be another ten pages long. if not more.

and then Akira-centric chapter \o/

though i dread Mariko's chapter u.u'

ah~ once more, i had nothing interesting to talk about. i apologize to my flist XP

how are sundays for you?

i found this link on my flist where it has shiny and completely baka quotes form our sexy hips jin. i was gonna try and see if i could find more, but i got lazy, so i'm just putting this in here to keep track of it.

i can't get over this photo, so obviously, now i'm going to flail over the interview translated over here. omg, i just imagine chibi!kame trying to be cool and, lol, at him being a little genius and fixing up old and broken portable tv to watch porn. porn. kame, how can you make that sound endearing?.... i kinda want fic where jin goes to sleep over at kame's and the two of them huddle under the comforter and watch those late night shows, though that may be a little perverted, because they'll be like 12/14? aksjdkalsd T____T

and then going to his older bro's room to snoop around and being total ninja about it trying to leave everything as if it was never touched and thinking he was all mature about it (i totally did that when i was a kid myself, i remember when i wanted something from my parent's room at dawn and how sometime i had to crawl out of the room not to be found out by mom, who is a light sleeper). just imagine the chibi!akame adventures *____________* those are pretty, pretty images in my head. and the bicycle, kame loving his bicycle because a feeling of having traveled further than anyone else and i've been to that dagashiya, i'll take you there next time

::dead::

kame, i love love love love love love you, please never change.

and as i'm sharing things that i did not upload/found/translated, what about sharing this lovely lovely links of lovely complex the manga?

( let's finish with a meme, say goodbye )

or i could have worded it better.

so, i went to my newly friend's journal koneho and read this. in my quest to be a better ljfriend i made an ass out of myself trying to comment, mainly because i wasn't really taking into account how i was saying things. which resulted in pipsqueaks adding me as a friend (no, i'm not sure either how that happened, but yay, friend?)

first of all, lying. lying in certain circumstances is easy to do, which makes it appealing and, doing it all right and without fanfare, sometimes a life saver. i mean, who hasn't lied? the point though is the when and where and why. which doesn't really have anything to do with what i'm trying to say, but it came out, so...

now, i think what i was really trying to say in my comment over kon's lj is: i don't think you need to lie to spare people's feelings. as i put in my comment saying the truth doesn't mean being tactless about it, that'll make you a bitch, not a honest person. that's what i think about the whole ordeal. choosing between lies and the truth is in the end only that, a choice. the real fact people should focus on is the outcome. sometimes truth is needed to improve ourselves, even if we don't want to hear it, but if i'm not going to like the truth either way, it doesn't mean i wouldn't appreciate people being tactful about telling it to me.

i think it all comes back on the way you say things. we like being told lies (in the beginning) because they make us feel better about ourselves. people like lies. that's a known fact. you learn in time that believing those lies is not always the best thing, though. listening to truth is not welcome at all, because they make you face yourself and your mistakes, and yeah, at first it'll make you feel like shit, but... well, it depends much on your reaction to know if it'll break you or make you.

life is about ambiguity. everyday, you choose between saying truth and lies, to yourself and to others. taking either way towards an absolute, there in lies the problem about being truthful or a liar.

on the matter where i said  that i wouldn't pick neither of them, but at the same time, i know i've chosen to be both and befriend both and there are people you hurt purposefully and that hurt you back purposefully, but in the end you count in them and you know you dont have to spare her feelings to speak your mind

ok, so first of all, have you read this fic? (i know, stupid to exemplify real life with fic, but, uh, it'll take less time to explain? maybe? kind of?)

i may have a friendship where i act kinda like ryo in that fic? you see with all the oh, look, interesting, another crack which doesn't necessarily proves that i'm a good person towards her, but at the same time, it makes her the closest person to me because of that and probably the only one i'll keep in contact with for a long, long, long, loooooooooong time (only don't tell her that because that'll be embarrassing. and weird. but mostly embarrassing.)

so, um, with her, there are times between our banter when i know i'm going to hurt/annoy/be insensitive with something i may say but i still say it because that's how i really feel at the moment, which may explain why sometimes she goes all mushy on me after and tells me she knows i don't care about her but she still cares about me as a friend. to which i don't know how to answer. but that's not here not there.

that is not to say she doesn't prod and give as good (or bad) as she takes from me, since she's not one to keep her commentaries to herself and sometimes she is a bitch (and knows it the same way i know when what i say will hurt her).

even so, is only when you've prodded the line between being an insensitive bitch and really totally crush another person, you learn when to say things and when to maintain your mouth shut. as i said on kon's lj you should also know when to hurt and when to heal. that's what real friendships are i think, to know when to hurt and when to heal.

so, does it make sense now? even a little?

i c-can't actually believe i really did join je_holiday and i' be writing something for it and what if i can't? what if the recipient hates it? and what's with the influx of arashi fans over there? (no that i mind, but i was hoping for more news/kattun than arashi)

oh,god, i'm screwed

or i'm done sparing people

you know, i've just noticed this is my diary and as one i should NOT worry about what i write in here, because, duh! this is my diary! and feeling bad because i don't have anything interesting to say/i don't contribute much to fandom/fic/pics/whatever shouldn't be something i care about, because this is mine and if i can't say things in here, then where can i?

so, um, yeah.

i've been thinking about this dream i had last week. remember the asshole i wrote a story for? yeah, well, i dreamed of him. i was pride doesn't matter. you need info and he's the only one likely to know what the hell are those thing and how to kill them before they kill you.

so, screwing pride, i went to him and asked. and of course, he was an asshole about it.

"i know what they are, but i won't tell you" he smirked and i flushed with shame and embarrassment (because of course there where people around and of course they would laugh at me), i was gonna walk away, but i watched how those marionettes-come-to-life where there and i must say i was afraid of them.

i don't remember how it came to be, but suddenly he was there, androgynous body and all. there's an ethereal quality around him, mysterious and suave; he dresses smart, askew fedora shadowing the lines of his face and his eyes and making him more appealing that it should.

"what are you?" i ask and his smile is all i see.

"don't you know already?" he speaks in a dulcet tone that soothes my nerves, walking back to the asshole to give him the tarot card of death.

"you're the bogey-man" i mutter incredulous, while the asshole stares transfixed at the card on his hand. his smile widens when he turns to me.

"it's one of my names" he tells me, coming back to my side to give me a card too, is blank. "you need to go" he hustles and then he's gone.

i walk, followed by the asshole and the human-like puppets. "what are those?" i ask nobody, but i still hear his dulcet tone answering.

"the puppeteer's minions" the voice tells me. i reach a street covered in mud, my shoes getting irremediably dirty and look around me for somewhere to take a seat and try to clean them, though i doubt it'll help. i climb a mound till reaching the base of a pillar, pressing my back against it to slide down.

i find myself in the middle of a circle, suddenly surrounded by old acquaintances with their own tarot cards in hand. i nod at them curtly in greeting and then he's there beside me, helping me take off my muddy shoes.

"you shouldn't be worried, i'm here to protect you while you lead them against the puppeteer" he tells me and i feel warm and tingly inside, but then i frown.

"you gave the card of death to him" i wonder aloud and his smile turns into a smirk.

"i didn't promise him to get out of this alive" he chortles amused and then caresses my cheek, almost lovingly " but you... you are different"

i smile, covering his hand with my own and close my eyes. "you're not the bogey-man, you're death in itself"

he laughs softly, nuzzling his cheek against my hand. "i told you, it was only one of my names"

i felt happy, content, not because i would get out of this alive, but because the asshole was going to die.


---i'm sure there was more to this, but i can't forget this accomplished feeling at knowing the asshole was going to be killed, even now, it makes me go =D. and lkasjdoisdjoiasdjqwo i was flirting with death and he was so so so utterly enchanting. i may begin to like my nightmares again

LJ Friends Meme by coolerq

• You must tell 6 people about this game.
• kame is the one that you love.
• jin is one you like but can't work out.
• You care most about crystal.
• jen is the one who knows you very well.
• seiya is your lucky star.
• kizuna is the song that matches with kame.
• utai tsuzukeru toki is the song for jin.
• tears of snow is the song that tells you most about YOUR mind.
• and float is the song telling you how you feel about life
Take this quiz




i have no idea how this all freakingly fitting, but fuck, i got all tingly and just, idk, maybe if i wish enough for her to come to me she'll hear my call? i'm crazy, ok, but if only she was here, if only i could be with her again the world might make sense, idk, please, just, god, bring her back, giver her back to me i miss her, please

ps. tomorrow i'll be totally embarrased, but for now,i want to wish, i want to have hope, i just want nee-san back, is that too muc to ask for?

so, um, je_holiday is on bussiness. and i kinda want to participate, but, i wonder if i can write something for it. like, i can write dramafic, akame, nishikato, maybe ryoda, news and kattun gen, maybe guest appearances by arashi if pressed, but is that enough? i mean, i want to get a fic written for me, but i don't know if i can deliver something good.

so, to those who have already participated, how is it? when the mods mail the assigments, how do you decide what to write? do you get prompts?

but i still feel all screwed up from the hospital. and i wasn't the one being operated on, but i had to sleep on a car for three days without taking a bath or changing my clothes. at least i had my pillows with me.

i hate hospitals. well, i've never been admitted into one, but i don't see much point into getting treatment for chronic illnesses. when i think like this, "ah~ i'm probably a horrible person, aren't i?" but being the one taking care of patients is as worse or maybe a little more than being ill. an illness can break or make a person, but those around him, how should they act?

if my father wants so much to live, why have i never found the point of it? living really is tiring.

am i a bad person?

listening to mother talk of all the things father did when they were younger, i fell, "ah~ certainly, if he wasn't my father i would hate him. for sure"

i don't want to ever get married, or a boyfriend. most of the time, i don't really want friends either, but then there are those bouts of loneliness i have to bear with. "it was my own decision" i think at those times "i shouldn't begrudge them then" and i get drunk on internet.

"would i ever be free? i don't want to have to take care of some else for the rest of my life" i sya, but sometimes, don't i wish to be with someone too? i'm a hypocrite

will time really erase all this feeling. do i want it to? can i ever be happy? would i ever get away from all these? will i regret levaing mom alone?

tittle: love is as simple as flowers
fandom: nobuta wo produce
pairing: nobuta/akira, shuuji/mariko (companion)
length: 2371

( Nobuta likes flowers, especially little ones. That's a known fact. But Nobuta loves Akira. It's as simple as that. )

 

i wrote this forhilaryscribbles a little while ago and as i'm still battling to death with how to let go... also because this is my first finished akame fic, so, enjoy?

at the end of the rainbow

 

 

 

( it's a joke, ok? some of my friends on LA saw some pics of you and me on internet when they discovered i was kinda famous on japan and thought it'd be funny to send you something. they got me one, too )

 
 

ok, so unbeta-ed and all that- editz, please? also comments, because i need something to boost my ego at the moment

looking for a job wa and endless task. especially since nobody took notice of me. maybe elizabeth would be a better candidate for a job? she had more experience. even so, it was equally fruitless.

"somebody stole my car and i know who, i even got his address" she said to me, giving me a piece of paper.

"i know where this place is" i assured and we embarked ourselves in a new and thoughtless adventure.

obviously though, we didn't find the perpetrator. we found his father his father, a tall and robust man, who politely told us to wait on the lobby of his office and he would see if he could find his son so he could take responsibility for his acts. of course, he couldn't seem to find him and we waited until elizabeth began to complain loudly about it.

so she was called into the office of the car thief's father. i waited a little more on the lobby till elizabeth got out, various files on her arms as she excitedly told me the boss had just hired her with innumerable benefits, like a gradually raises according with how well she could do her job.

i felt betrayed. and angry. and hurt, because, weren't we supposed to get a job together?and now she came to boast to me, her words taunting and superior and mocking and "i should go back. they´re gonna give an office!"

i was in shock. the only thing i kept thinking of was if i should wait for her to take me back home (she was the one with a car after all). maybe i should take the bus. why am i still here? i felt sick. even so, i still had to be a masochist and go tell her i was going home on my own, see you and "could you give me some tissues?"

i wanted to cry. maybe i needed to cry, to shout at her if only to make her embarrassed in front of her new co-workers. i was short of breath and the more i tried to repress my feeling, the more my corporal temperature increased. i felt dizzy and i kept imagining how my death would be slow and painful and coughing blood while i crashed into the floor, weak and defeated.

"you're so sensitive" she came back with the tissues.

"i just don't feel good, ok? i'm having an attack, i think i'm allergic to something here" i bit back, taking the tissues while she went her merry way into her office and now i really wanted to die. or at least  black out. i couldn't stand on my feet, i needed to sit down. i needed an anchor and the wall looked as good a choice as any. to my misfortune, the wall i leaned onto was the car thief's father office. from where he came out. and saw me. and invited me in.

by this time, i was out of myself. and if elizabeth didn't care about who stole her car, i should care less. i got a seat while the boss called elizabeth, who, once again, took her sweet time to come out and meet me. and boy was she changed.

her previously long, messy and curly dyed red locks where now short, sraight and blond, her skeletal frame adorned with translucent skin. she had dark and big bags under her empty and almost soulless eyes.

"there's someone here who read me my birth chart. i told him about you and he's willing to read you yours, but you need to be careful" was the only thing she said before this short and dark-skinned man came out of nowhere. his eyes were dark and guarded, they spoke of knowledge and his smirk was cheerfully faked.

"so this is joana" he said, staring hard at me "oooooooooooh, another one, i'd certainly eat you"

"no thanks" i said and followed him.

we reached this little room whitout door where only a single couch could be fitted, it was so little. there were some kids crowding it, because there were some items placed on a platter fixed over the arms of the couch, but they made way for me so i could take a look at the jewellery on the makeshift table.

"choose one, even if it's not your size" he said and i took a careful look. there wer bracellets and rings, earrings and hoops, necklaces and tiaras, all of diferent symbols and jewls.

"are they real?" i mumbled in awe, beginning to sort them out so i could look one by one. the more i dislodged them from the pile, the bigger the room became, until it was a big and dark room whose only light came from the couch in itself, of all places. the bigger the room became, the more kids here were, sitting on tables swinging their little legs, others coming out of big and ornate vases or even from the same shadows, all porting some of the jewelery and bringing them closer so i could take a look at them, only to be rejected again.

"how does it feel to die?" the one on the table swinging her little feet asked.

"like falling asleep" i replied and everyone in the room stopped to look at me.

"like falling asleep?" another wondered.

i nodded. "yeah, like, after a battle, when you're too weak and too tired and you just want to fall asleep forever. that's how it feels" i continued, moving towards the sample board that had appeared over the table the kid was seated on. on a baby blue felt were more symbols and jewels, brighter and more colorful. "can i choose from these here?"

"yes, choose one even if it's not your size. itll fit you" he repeated.

"here" anoher kid came close to me carrying a little flask with a potion in it in turqoise color. "i found the potion you used to cure the angels before"

i was confused. "but... i thought i was a hunter. t-that i killed angels"

i took a look to the guy who was supposed to read me the birth chart. "yes" he answered "but you also used to cure them, much before you began killing them. it's difficult for people to remember past lives"

a sardonic smile pulled at my mouth. "well, it's not as if i remember mine. i mean, i can't even get in"

my tone was acerbic, bitter like i felt at that moment and my pain seemed to make him happy. i made a fist, for the first time noticing the bracelet in my hand. "but, you know?" i said "after the battle, when you're really tired and ony want to sleep, you dream too. you dream of the people waiting on the other side, of their smiles and warm"

tears blur my vision and i fall to my knees, some of the kids hurrying to my side to hug me. the jewels in the room begin lightening up, but i don't notice. my eyes are closed. "yes" he muttered with sadistic pleasure "continue. the eight are waking up"

but i don't care, because "they are there" i sobbed "but why? WHY. CAN. THEY. NOT. BE. HERE?!" i shouted.

that's when the light exploded...


















... i was the light.






ok. you know, i've been wondering why lately i've dreaming of natural and no-natural disasters bringing the end of the world as we know it.  my dreams are becoming more and more erratic every night that passes.

i'm actually kind of sad i've been like the only one kinda following this. there are almost no prompts, so i want to help. kinda. so, pimp?

i feel quite angsty. even so, i've been thinking about your birthday all day long and although i'm quite sure you've already partied and enjoyed it quite a lot and did lotsa  things and even if you don't know i exist i stil want to say, happy birthday akanishi jin.

someday i'll be able to make shiny and amajing posts celebating your birthday, so until then, i hope you continue singing and dancing and being you. that's all that matters. so, don't you ever change, we all love yout the way you are

hope you reach a hundred.

so, first go here and first listen to the song in the post and then read my comments about it (they're the first ones, so there's no way to get lost) and then, if you're interested, please help me write that fic because it's amazing but i can't do it on my own and i hate not being able to ever finish something and i really want it and please, please, please

m(_  _)m
m(_  _)m
m(_  _)m

since i was little, i've always admired Michael Jackson, his music is something i really enjoy, so to get to know that he's dead... for a moment when i saw the news on tv, i think everything stopped. it was minuscule, but as i stood there paralized, my arm suspended in the air with the snack i intended to eat and that notice still playing. god.

i've never really been a fan until i met JE, even so, as i was growing up, listening to Michael Jackson's music, i think that was the most fannish behaviour i had at the time. and now that he's gone when he was preparing a farewell tour.... it makes me feel cheated. it's not like i was going to the concert or anything, but just the knowlegde that he was still alive even if there would be no new releases of his music, it was like a comfort i didn't think i needed until the news on his death were on tv.

the more i think about it, the worst i feel. Michael Jackson dead. i still can't believe it

a-and then i began thinking, what if it was kame? or jin? and god, now i feel like the worst and it's horrible and my fingers are kinda trembling and i think i want to cry and... i'm not making much sense. it's just, he's dead. and it shouldn't bother me but the thing that bothers me the most is that it does and it's horrible and god, he's dead. Michael Jackson's dead and that's all that's swirling in my mind now and i can't believe. i don't want to believe it.

i want to go look for all his discography now and download and have a pity party listening to his voice. i know what he did with all those kids, but he is the King of Pop and even if his private life was an abhorrence, his life in the entertaintment industry is glorious.

pardon for the incoherency. i think what i want to say is:

--- or maybe just plain lost.

oh, what have i been doing? apart from being my lazy self, i've finally managed to do a friends cut, because i couldn't keep up with my flist, even if i only stalked journals. and there were lots of fandoms i wasn't so into anymore, mostly anime. i still watch anime from time to time, though, but i'm more into drama these days.

so, obligatory speech: if you want me to add you back, please reply to this post and let's see if we can become friends... or you can defriend me as well, no hard feelings, ne... at least, i hope so. so far, only Cookie has replied (thanks Cookie! =Dy), soon, i'll answer back to you, just let me get my bearings.

i'm kinda learning html. mostly, i just tweak pre-made codes. so far, i've managed to do this with my profile. as you may have noticed, it's not finished yet. soon, i'll make time to finish it. and give credits. i promise.

yesterday, i went to the international book fair in Leon. sad to say, there weren't many international books. there weren't even books in other languages. i bought one terry pratchett book... that was part of the discworld series and the translation sucks something major. so went to get the english versions online. maybe it's bad, since i don't promote the author and don't pay for them , but it's really difficult to find books where i live and most of the time the translations are shit and books in english around here? keep dreaming.

i'm still miffed about not finding any books on buffy.   DDDDD:

----

in other news Music meme! because i was curious. and i've been wanting to do this since three weeks ago when this appeared on my flist.

1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that’s playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don’t lie and try to pretend you’re cool!


Opening Credits - kotoba wo nakushita boku to sora wo miageru kimi by wyse
it really is difficult to find something about this band, so i decided to upload the song if anyone's interested. i don't know what the song or lyrics and not even the title say, but i recommend this band with all my heart.

Waking Up - Kame - #2 Seishun Amigo Utawara Perf
i think it'd make me happy to wake up with the voice of kame, so  *_*.

First Day At School - Get it on by Kinki Kids
first of all, just what kind of school do you think i went to, uh? after that lol

Falling In Love -  tsugou no ii moral by wyse

Fight Song - Gomen Ne Juliet by YamaPi
i'm not really sure what to think of this one. am i giving up without fighting?it somehow makes me sad to know how the end to a love comes and you just can't stop it.

Breaking Up - orange by Kinki Kids
couldn't find a vid, nor a translation D:, will it suffice to say that songs like this are what've made fall in love with kinki kids?

Prom - Human by Human League
... i've never really paid attention to thelyrics odf this song, since i quite the singers voices and the rymth of the melody. years later i actually notice this song tlks about cheating and please forgive because i'm human of flesh and blood? wait, what does that say of the kind of prom i could have had? if, you know, they were a custom in my country.

Life - Bette Davis Eyes by Kim Carnes
... life is to being an easy laid and a wonderful one at that? really, just what kind of life awaits me? o.O?

Mental Breakdown - MESSAGE FOR YOU by KAT-TUN
... still not making much sense, now not only my life resembles an easy girl with bette davis eyes, but i'm also heartbroken and it is my own fault  D:

Driving - Unbelievable by EMF
i'm kind of tempted to send this song to esther. because except from the become one part, is all about her.
in other news, i imagine driving a convertible on the highway with the volume to the max, hair billowing and sunglasses....

Flashback - Taiyou no Namida by NEWS
regrets anyone?

Getting Back Together - Hold On by Wilsom Philips
well, this is hopeful. ar least.

Wedding - MOLA by YamaPi
just what kind of wdeeing would that be? o.O?

Birth of Child - STEP you by Hamasaki Ayumi
this vid is neat. really cool. though i cannot find any relation with the birth of a child. wich is cool, since i don't plan of having kids.

Final Battle - Living In A Box by Living in a box
freedom! or something like it. maybe i'll win! =D

Death Scene - Speed by wyse

Funeral Song - am0:00 no keiteki no naka de by wyse

Remembrance Song - Jounetsu by Kinki Kids
Whenever you feel like cry
I’ll come and hold you right away
yep, this songs brings memories, all right

End Credits - Yakusoku by Kinki Kids
 farewell is always so sad, ne T_T


We built up love
Shared a promise
In a place ours alone
that no one else could step into
However you grew pretty
In a place without me
Again today I close my eyes
Pretend I don't notice
. . . because it hurts

	there were once two girls. they were twins and were beautiful.
	they loved each other so very, very much. so much that i thought i could never fit with them
	they had everything they would ever need in each other and the world was theirs to charm. i'm sure they've accomplished already, wherever they are

to crystal: for always having been my surge of strength, for always picking me up as i fell, for not caring about what people would say when you hugged me and i hugged you back, for being there for me, for understanding me, for a lot of things i have no head to think about right now... thank you. you know, i think i forewent friendship by love when i had both, thinking the only thing i'd ever need to keep going was to be by his side. having neither love nor friendship now has made me realize that the reason why i could treasure love was because you were there too. more than my friend or my sister or my heart, you are the treasure i wish i could have once again. wherever you are, please guide me along to find it

to jen, jenny, jennipher:     for always listening, for always indulging me when not even nee-san did it, for scolding me, for letting me cry, for letting me fall and wallow in misery when i needed it, for letting me hug you and for hugging me (and i must say that your hugs are the bestest of the best there are in the whole universe) and crying with me, for saying i was interesting and thinking of me as your precious little girl... i love you. i'm aware i never said it enough, i was a brat. still am. i remember your smile, your laugh, your elegance, your tears, your inner strenght, your scarinnes, your love for you husband and son, your faith and your fortitude. i can't say enough i love you's to make up for all the times i never did it before, though i know you knew. i hope we fin each other again. i promise the first thing i'll say it's how much i love you. here's a minute sign of it ♥ i hope wherever you are, it may reach you

so, you know this made think a lot about how bad a lj friend i tend to be and i was kind of wondering if people really read what i write here.

so..... um, i kinda want to change that. i probably friended you all, and i'm sorry, because i terribly lose track of people and things and, well, life in general is an excuse, though it shouldn't be and---- THE POINT IS, i want to try and know about those who read my lj. i know i friended you and maybe lots of people are gonna get mad for this, but i really don't remember the exact reason, though i know it is because of fandom.

as i answered strascina , i suck at remembering people i tend to forget the people i ask to friend me so when they finally do, i don't know why they are friending me. most of the time. so, um, yeah, if whoever reads this wants to defriend me... i most probably wont notice, buuuuuuut, i want to notice. from now on, i mean.

sorry for the babble, i'm totally out of it.

so, if you read this, and it didn't make you hate me or defriend me, can we get to know each other? this is terribly impolite since i'm the one supposed to be interested in you all, but if you still want to give me the chance, leave a little something in hereabout yourself, what you like, who you are or something and i'll try and pay more attention to your post! this way, i get to know you and you get horribly typed comments.

it's not much what i can offer, but at least we'll become friends. or something.

so, uh, yeah, comment away! if, you know, you hadn't removed me from your flist by now   u.u'

ok, so maybe not.

looks like the hate meme has already left lots of casualties. mostly in the wake of butthurt people with adolescent  and hypocritical whims. i'm kinda wondering if i'm too old to being in fandom, though i know there must be people older than 23.

i just finished reading this and some days ago i read on trivialaffair 's lj how people were actually insulted about her getting lots of comments in her fics. i mean, what?   o.O?

getting back to gothicauthor 's rant, news fandom and kat-tun fandom seem to be in the verge of declaring war. i'ts kind of sad since i really like news and i really love kat-tun. i don't understand the point in getting riled up for fic. i mean, it's fiction, it's not true and fic should be enjoyed and funny and crack and a way to pass time, not something to throw out there to insult other people.

there's something i simpathyse with kat-tun fans, though. news fans have been depicting kat-tun as a divided and full of hatred group. peole tend to stereotype people, but if you do, then there's no point in getting mad when someone else does it to you. that only makes you a hypocrite. also, what's the point of fighting over japanese boys bands? it's not like they're yours to begin with.

authors characterize the boys as they see fit, that's why they are the authors. everyone has a different opinion about how one of the boys is going to react to a certain situation and they're entitled to it, that's why no one has the right to badmouth other peoples opinions or works. and, really, only yamapi would know how yamapi acts, the same way only kame would know how kame would act.

kat-tun fandom has been very mature about this, since they've been reading a lot of fic saying kat-tun are mean and hate each other only because they don't fondle each other on stage (and that's debatable, i mean, kame has a tendency to be all touchy-feely whenever).

as a fan of both groups, koneho's fic appeared to me as something of good taste (the only thing that was omited was how shige's mom seemed to be the connection between all news mothers, but it seems she's not a news fan). other than that, it was enjoyable, subtle, non-agresive, and most of all, it was funny. it was a very light, very subtle satire. nothing to be offended over. which is something i cannot say about some news authors fics portraying kat-tun.

i don't understand this petty rivalry, or how to try and embellish one group over the other you wank the boys. both groups have certain aspects that make them likeable to certain people. i mean, if people like jin can be all bff-y with pi and ryo, or how maru is totally fond of massu, why can't the fans get along peacefully?

please, do grow up

so many things have happened into fandom this month, i knew there was a reason why i loved fandomapril (and no, it's not only because it's yamapi's birthday)

anyway fisrt of all, it was yamapi's birthday! yay!

second, it was domoto tsuyoshi's birthday! another yay! and as a present for us fans to himself, decided to release a single and an album which names i don't remember anymore XP. so, my opinions on it: I LOVE THEM.

it reminds me of his first works going solo, like waver and machi, and i can't believe I LIKED EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THE SONG ON BOTH THE SINGLE AND THE ALBUM. the songs are soothing and have beautiful guitar solos, the melodies are really really enjoyable, so if you have the chance listen to them. it makes me want to download his ENDLICHERI☆ENDLICHERI but i'm still kind of avoiding them because the guitar and sounds on those makes me think of carlos santana and i kinda don't enjoy them very much.

third: kanjani8 has new album! let me tell you that puzzle it's totally wonderful, god i love love love love 'half down', it's such a beautiful song, i want to cuddle it. though i'm still wondering if there are any rips of 'glorious', because klasjdklasjdasd lovely lovely lovely PV, i wanted to cuddle ryo so hard! i didn't like 'you can see' very much, nor the song nor the video, and even when i did like 'kicyu' the song, the pv fraked me out a little.

fourth: KATTUN HAS NEW ALBUM, OMG, BREAK THE RECORDS IT'S SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO FANFUCKINGTASTIC, I WANT TO MARRY IT I LOVE ALL THE SONGS, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. AND AND AND AND AND AND KAME'S SOLO AKJSDHOASDIHASOID SUCH A SEXY SONG I LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT    *_*

kame's song it's  utterly enchanting, from the moment you hear the fire licking and the lasers powering up, and his voice so husky and pure sex, god. and then 'care', 'care' is the perfect song, i think is one of the main reasons i've become a jin!fan. i haven't had the time to find translations on everyone of them, but :: lovesick sighs:: i do hope to keep enjoying their songs, like for real.

drama related, SMILE, SMILE is such an appealing drama, though i'm not sure it'll make really happy to watch, but i can't help myself    T_T

maki's drama, i just dl and haven't had the time  to watch, rl is so hard sometimes. the same with ep 6 and 7 of kami no oshizuku, i'm wondering if i should wait till the drama is completely subbed to watch all in one go some weekend. and and and we also have ueda's debut Konkatsu, i want it subbed now! but alas, i have to wait patiently, so i'll wait.

manga related, click, god has anybody read it, it's such a emotional draining story, and the ending, god, the ending, i think i cried with that one. and as if i hadn't had enough i decided it was ok to begin skip beat! (currently on vol. 17), tough there's more comedy in this one.

::pondering::

mmm. i may edit this one later to add links and sparkly text later, so bye bye!

found this in the morning and can't get over it. kattun, all of you are awesome.

i kinda want to research Oda Nobunaga if only to know why Kame is so fond of him. i'm also thinking about adding some icons. like one of kame and one of jin, because askdjaklsdj, there are so many wonderful icons out there only that i'm too lazy to peruse the net for them XD

i've had a headache for a while now and i feel real tired. but have difficulty to sleep.

i also have nothing to write that i actually want t write. may try to update. maybe.

so, akanishi jin.

the first time i saw him was in gokusen. well, not really. after my discovery of kame being in a boy band, i googled kattun and found a link to a youtube video of jin in shounen club singing and dancing "It can't be". i remember LOL-ing so hard. i kept wondering how the girls in the audience found him hot, cause he was so thin, his hips swivels looked so hard and forceful and bruising and kind of vulgar (furthermore proved in the ha-ha video), the dance had nothing to do with the song. i mean, if he was singing about denial of a loved one leaving him for someone else and asking for another chance or something, why was he dancing like a... dunno... slut? his voice, though,  was something i really liked, so i wanted kattun to debut. but as i din't find anything conclusive on that end and as i didn't want to discover later on that they never would, i thought of quitting before investing time and kattun got left behind in my memory bank till 2007 or someting like that, when i began delving more and more inside jdrama.

[i want to make a big parentesis here trying to explain myself. i must say that at this point of my life i was pretty asexual. or naive. i dunno, i think i was more into romance and long lasting relastionships than frugal desires and lust... .or something... i was a pretty weird kid.. i mean a 17 year old not driven by hormones? pretty weird]

so yeah. the first time i watched jin was on gokusen 2. and i wanted more.

hayato. how can i explain hayato. he was rogish, kind of a baka and cute. he was the complete opposite of any man i've ever encountered. he reminded me of seiya. i think the whole reason i love yabuki hayato is because he reminds me a lot of seiya.  plainly said, hayato is a brat. he loses his temper easily and if something doesn't go his way he throws a tantrum and sulks. only that his sulking sessions translate into avoidance and denial and a lot of misplaced anger.

the second time i saw him was in anego. where i saw him cry. i pretty much loved this drama for that sole reason. and shinohara ryoko is a total spaz, so the two of them together? sparkles. even so, kurosawa akihiko is not the sensible, wonderful dream of every woman. i mean, akihiko was pretty shallow (though with the sempai that 'teaches' him the way into the company, i'm not really surprised). he's a playboy, first and foremost. he wants to get some fun since he is young and thinks an affair with an older (and kinda desperate and single) woman is the best way to enjoy it. of course he never really thought of falling in love with anego, but somehow he pushes his feelings on her because his girlfriend broke up with him over the phone. also, the whole marriage proposal? how much of that proposition is because of what he feels and how much is not wanting to go to another country alone? this drama is kind of inconlusive even with the special, because we see anego once again in the whole "i like him but he's so young" dilemma and akihiko going after her like a lost puppy. but most of all, he looked really tired.

the third time was chrishtmas nante dai kirai. where he was a down to earth boy. i don't remember his character name cos i haven't seen this one in years (i'm still looking for HQ subbed vids), but he was my favorite in here. in so far, i think this has been his best work. he felt real, his acting was really truthful and idk how to explain it. i've never really been able to explain akanishi jin. this character was, by far the most mature acting i've seen him in. he was calm and patient, a surge of strength and at the same time a sensible presence to fukada kyoko. he was like, the only thing that anchored to reality.... well, as i remember it, he was like the best person to ever fall in love with.

all his hard work became a thing of the past when he was cast into yukan club. he looked pretty much like an airhead and a spaz, his supposedly high IQ and tinkering with technology not withstanding. i didn't like this drama very much, you see. not even the name of his character.

to me, akanishi jin is desire. this is gonna sound terribly shallow, but he represents lust (yeah, i know, i'm a hypocrite after saying that when i was younger he made me laugh instead of turning me on). i'm not exactly sure how that happened, but somehow he woke inside of me this passion, this raw desire for another human being. his gaze on stage is smoldering, his body is alluring and powerful. he has made a complete whole other persona of himself when singing and performing and you just can watch and be pulled for the ride. for me, this was a breaking point, so to say. i tended to idealize feelings and then i discovered the needs part and it pretty much threw me off.

in the other hand, he does a complete one-eighty in front of a camera. mostly, he's this awkard person, he stutters and trips all over himself and that makes him endearing. now, i've heard the "he's a complete jerk in real life", but i wonder how much of that is his real self and how much is a sefl-defense mechanism to not be swallowed by fame (though i'm sure he's got a lot of rewards from being famous. i mean, he's young, he's handsome, he's rich. lots of pretty girls would give anything for a night with him. hell i would give anything for a night with him and i'm not pretty)

and then he's moody and tight lipped and indifferent and pretty much a blank face. you can almost see the cracks in his persona and it makes you wonder what happened to that boy with the big smile, it makes you wonder if he really wants to be where he is.

and then i see him taking care of babies and god, his expression, the aura of paternality he gives off that makes me want to give him the babies he so craves for (only that, you know, i'm pretty sure he'd never look at me once)

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so, that's pretty much it. i'm sure i forgot a lot of things and that this is scattered all over the place, but, well, i never said it made much sense. and how come i couldn't fit in the hate part on this post?

so i even got an new akame icon in sepia.

so, first of all. kamenashi kazuya. the first time i saw him was in sapuri back when i got to know there was this little thing called jdrama. i somehow liked it, you see. the prospect not to invest a million years to get that character a got character b through cheesy and cliché trials and tribulations that i was sick of was attractive. and it was comedy.

in my country, drama was angsty, oh, it will rip my heart out not to fuck you have you!  T.T, my mother is dying of cancer and you love me, but are still going to get revenge because my father killed yours or whatever the plot goes on, anyway. the only comedy i got to watch was american, so i grew up choosing USA tv over the national product (which, ironically, passed with flying colors -or incredible ratings, whatever- at countries like greek, brasil, slovenia and i don't know how many other countries that i do not really care about or not even knew existed).

the point is, to me, jdrama was a lot like fusing and compressing mexican melodrama with american tv shows: crappy special effects, lots of clichés, comedy, character a braving unending trials and tribulations to get character b and live happily ever after or whatever, all in a shiny package of 9 (if the japanese thought it to be crappy) to 12 (if i get lucky) and sometimes even a handsome special or movie (also, i got guei je boys and sometimes even decent and unbelivably cute actresses that made me either love them or despise them).

a lot of people are not going to like the comparison though (once or if they read it) but it works for me, so there.

anyway, sapuri was the first time i got to watch kamenashi kazuya in action. he was everything a male in my country would (and have) call "joto" or "marica" or "puto" (this are derogatory terms, but the gist of it is homosexual), but whatever. the point is, he was cool. new. shiny. had long hair and pierced ears and he was like a puppy and i loved him. he was sensitive and i can't stop myself from saying cute. he was also awkward and had no confidence in himself, but he felt true and sincere. i discovered he sang in a band called kattun, but lost interest pretty quickly when i found out they hadn't debuted (and it was probable they never would) and the rips of his songs had girls screaming their lungs out like screeching cats (at this point in time, i pretty much avoided fangirls like the plague. creeped me out with their fan babble about how someone they would never meet was the love of their lives. who knew i'd fall into the pit and enlist as a minion later on).

at this point, japanese people were kind of general to me, they all looked alike. and then, i came upon nobuta wo produce. i remember not wanting to buy it because the cover was un-impressing, but when the guy who sold me the dvd's couldn't get his hands over anything else drama related, i bought it for lack of anything better to watch.

boy was i in for a surprise.

shuuji is my preferred character of kame's. he's jaded and calculating and cool and so, so, so utterly human i couldn't help myself but love him. he was gorgeous and imperfect and  full of thoughts and insecurities he couldn't confide in anybody no matter how close that person was. he was lonely and afraid and i loved him. i loved him so much. i wanted so much for someone to save him. and ey, here comes akira and nobuta and didn't they make the perfect couple? i also wanted him to get somewhere with mariko, but no one else thinks that. shuuji is special to me in a way i don't understand, because it hurt everytime something happened to him, i didn't know how to break myself away from it. he broke me and healed me and made smile and cry with a look, a simple mannerism. i thought i was going crazy. i thought i was falling in love.

the third drama i watched him in was gokusen 2, which i saw before i finished gokusen 1. odagiri ryu was pretty much the embodiment of a hurt street cat who couldn't get himself to trust humans again. it was a repetitive plot that got old fast, but i still loved every minute of it and re-watched like three times. it also has jin in it, which pretty much hooked me up.

the fourth drama i watched was tatta hitotsu no koi, which i kind of liked and kinda didn't. i really loved hiroto, burdened with a disease called growing up too early and too fast. honestly the only reason i don't love the drama is ayase haruka, but i really liked the story (even if it was a cliché and utterly naive, but that was my fluff side showing, i suppose)

one pound gospel, where hatanaka-san made me laugh silly at his antics, but is so far my less liked kame drama, once again for the lead actress (who i still can't bring myself to like).

kami no shizuku is interesting in the way of getting to know a lot more (i'm not sure i care about) about wine. i like learning things, but as i've never really drunk alcohol, i don't really get this drama. maybe because i haven't finished it.

the point is. well, i didn't really had a point, just wanted to get this all out, i guess.

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physically speaking, i don't think i would like kame that much if we could ever meet in person. he has a toned body, sure, but he's also a little too slim (skinny some may say) for my tastes. not that that is anything bad. i, as a fangirl, love to gush over anything kame related, but realistically speaking, what i'm gushing and drooling over is not kame. is lights and poses and angles and make up and the perfect gesture and facial expression to bring out sexy or cute or hot or dorky or whatever else there is in the emotion specter to bring about.

i met kame through fics, some overly emotional and some cracktastic, heartbreaking and warm, hurtful and happy, but i don't know anything about kame, the real kame. i don't know him , but know of him. and that's what hurts the most when reality dumps over me a bald of cold water. that i don't know him, that i can't meet with him and chat and laugh and cry with him.

for me, being a fangirl is bittersweet, because i can't keep my pragmatic consciousness away from fangirl mood. he's perfect in his imperfection as a human, physically and emotionally. lauliet_k described it all so well in her last post. it made me feel kind of self-concious, like a lot of phrases and snippets in fanfics and fan comments at comm discussions.

what is kamenashi kazuya to me? who is kamenashi kazuya? are questions i still can't get over nor answer. i don't know what i was trying to say with all this, but...but this is all in my head. sometimes overwhelming and too much, but still not enough. never enough. because even if i call him kame as if we were close chummies, there's nothing else-

am i the only one this weird bout japanese idols?




p.s. tune here again for the next post on akanishi jin and the feelings he evokes in me